


cats are connoisseurs of comfort

by mir0, schwartzys



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cats, College AU, Cuban Lance (Voltron), F/M, Fluff, I started this before allura was announced as a teen she's an adult in this, IT LOOKS LONG BUT HALF THE WORDS ARE JUST LIKE USERNAMES LMAO, Klance Week 2017, Korean Keith (Voltron), M/M, Mutual Pining, PINING KEITH, Texting, Trans Girl Pidge, broganes, cat shelter au, essentialy, gratuitous use of emojis, groupchat fic, if you're looking for lots of plot, klance, look elsewhere, on hiatus for a bit rip, pining lance, she/her pronouns for pidge, the lions are the cats, the title is a james herriot quote, this is super self indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:23:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9840536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mir0/pseuds/mir0, https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwartzys/pseuds/schwartzys
Summary: Allura owns a shelter and she just wanted to find good homes for all her kittens, not deal with the antics of a bunch of rowdy teens.or, the groupchat/cat shelter/college au no one asked for.





	1. ch 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> updates will be weekly (?) god willing  
> s/o to mir0 for all the help with this story like for real,,, without you I would still have nothing but an idea and a dream :')

 

**www.alteaadoptions.org**

**Posted: Sept 12 12:00 pm**

##  **Announcement!**

Hello all! This has been a very exciting first year for everyone at Altea Adoptions. We have helped upward of fifty cats find forever homes! And now, we have a _very_ pressing matter: our very own Siamese baby, Lilac, is going to be a mommy!! The kittens are due in two or so weeks. We are looking for very special forever homes for these little guys-- if you are interested, please email us at the above address. _Something to be noted_ : Unlike our normal adoptions, the interview process will be very rigorous, as we want to make sure the babies will have the homes and love they need and deserve. Like our normal adoptions, though, you will go home with a fluffy bundle of joy! They won't be separated from their mommy for about two weeks. We don't know what breed the kittens will be, only that they will have some Siamese in them. We look forward to hearing from you!!

With Love,

Allura Altea, dir. of Adoptions

  
  


**Email (Sept. 12 12:47 pm)**

**From: hunkaburninluv@mail.co**

**To: alteaadoptions@mail.co**

**Subject: Kitten Adoption Application**

 

Ms. Altea,

Hello! My name is Hunk Garrett. My roommate and I are both very much interested in the kittens, being born to your Siamese cat.  We have each filled out the typical application form, as instructed, and await your further instructions for the rigorous interview process, as you put it. We are both HUGE animal lovers and longtime fans of the shelter, and look forward to hearing back from you! You can reach us on our cells at: 562-370-XXXX and 562-135-XXXX.

Warm Regards,

Hunk Garrett and Lance McClain-Espinosa

 

Attachments

( _application-Lance-McClain-Espinosa.pdf_ )

( _application Hunk-Garrett.pdf_ )

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Email (Sept. 12 5:55 pm)**

**From: alteaadoptions@mail.co**

**To: hunkaburninluv@mail.co**

**Subject: Re: Kitten Adoption Application**

 

Hello Mr. Garrett!

I was very pleased to receive your applications! The two of you seem like very responsible young men. In about a week, the kittens are due, and two weeks after their birth they will be ready to be socialized. I will contact you again, and then the interviewing process will begin, as well as you getting to meet the kittens, and figuring out which ones you bond the most with, and which kitten you want to take home.

I do have another part of the adoption process. Once I’ve collected all the applicants (we will have five, in full) I would like to make a groupchat of all the applicants, so you can connect with each other and your kittens. I would love it if all the siblings found forever homes close to each other, so they could stay connected, and therefore I would like you to all become close. Let me know if you will be comfortable with this. Looking forward to meeting you two.

Sincerely,

Allura Altea, dir. of Adoption

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Text Message Sept 12 6:02 pm**

**From: Hunky Dory / To: Lancening McQueen⚡️**

 

 **Hunky Dory:** dUDE HOLY SHIT GFSFKUQG

 **Hunky Dory:** I HEARD BACK FROM THE GIRL @ THE CAT PLACE

 **Hunky Dory:** ABT THE KITTENS

 **Hunky Dory:** !!!!!

 **Lancening McQueen⚡️:** yOU MEAN THE CAT SHELTER WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE

 **Hunky Dory:** YUP

 **Hunky Dory:** !!!!

 **Lancening McQueen⚡️:** !!!!!!!!!!

 **Lancening McQueen⚡️:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YFUKYrtyIEUR8YBRYBC

 **Lancening McQueen:** WE’RE GONNA BE CAT DADS HJGFYA

 **Hunky Dory** : ILL FORWARD THE EMAIL TO YOU HOLD UP

 **Lancening McQueen⚡️:** thank  <3333

 **Hunky Dory:** <3333333333

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Email (Sept. 13 2:03 pm)**

**From: takashi.shirogane@nasa.gov**

**To: alteaadoptions@mail.co**

**Subject: Kittens**

 

Hello, Ms. Altea. My brother, Keith, and I are both looking into adopting pets, and your advert for kittens seems to be an ideal option. We have both filled out the application forms, and they are attached. Please let us know at your earliest convenience if our applications are to your liking. You can contact me through this email address and my cell at 456-XXX-XXXX, and my brother at 456-XXX-XXXX.

All the Best,

Takashi Shirogane and Keith Kogane

 

Attachments

( _application-Takashi-Shirogane.pdf_ )

( _application-Keith-Kogane.pdf_ )

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Email (Sept 15 11:44 pm)**

**From: memegod69@mail.co**

**To: alteaadoptions@mail.co**

**Subject: Kitten Adoption!!**

 

Hello! My name is Katie Holt. I am interested in the kitten adoption, as per your website. I have filled out the application (see attached) and I think I would be a great cat owner, as I live with my brother who is not a cat person, and I need an ally in the household.

Thanks,

Pidge (I prefer Pidge)

 

Ps: please i'm desperate i love cats

also i’m sorry this is my brother’s old email address he's terrible

Pps: reach me @ 678-XXX-XXXX

 

Attachments

( _application-Katie-Holt.pdf_ )

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**www.alteaadoptions.org**

**Posted: Sept 19 11:00am**

##  **Announcement- Update!**

Hello again! We have received five applicants we have approved of for our kitten adoption program-- and this is all we'll be able to take at the moment. If there are more than five kittens in the litter, we will open it up to one or maybe two more applicants. Until then-- thank you to everyone who applied!!

With Love,

Allura Altea, dir. of Adoptions

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Text Message Sept 19 11:06am**

**New Groupchat: Altea Adoptions Kitten Applicants**

**Members: Allura Altea, 562-370-XXXX, 562-135-XXXX, 456-381-XXX, 456-221-XXXX, 678-XXX-XXXX**

 

 **Allura Altea:** Hello everyone! You are the first five applicants that we have determined satisfactory. The kittens will be born any day now! I responded to all of your emails informing you of this groupchat, and I hope you are on board with my plan. Who knows? Maybe you will make some new friends as well as going home with a fluffy bundle of joy!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Text Message Sept 19 11:20 am**

**From: Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+ /** **To: Coran Coran the Gorgeous Man!**

 

 **Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** coran you know I respect you as a person

 **Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** ur like a father to me

 **Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** well more like a wine uncle

 **Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** but please stop texting people from my phone

 **Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** the poor prospective cat adopters are going to think im a fugkin pta mom

**Coran Coran the Gorgeous Man!: ;)**

**Allura** **+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+凸(◕‿◕✿)+ﾟ*｡:ﾟ+:** you’re such a pta mom jesus fucc

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Text Message Sept 19 2:01pm**

**From: Queef Bro-gane / To: Shito Bro-gane**

**Queef Bro-gane:** shiro

**Shito Bro-gane:** yeah

**Queef Bro-gane:** why did I get a message from an unknown groupchat about kitten adoption

**Queef Bro-gane:** shiro

**Queef Bro-gane:** s h i r o

**Queef Bro-gane:** you have your read receipts on you fake ass ho

**Shito Bro-gane:** may/may not have submitted applications for both of us for a kitten adoption thing  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Queef Bro-gane:** ah-fuck-i-cant-believe-youve-done-this.mov

**Shito Bro-gane:** stop sending me vines keith vine is dead

**Queef Bro-gane:** i wish i was vine

**Queef Bro-gane:** so I could be dead

**Shito Bro-gane:** keith no

**Queef Bro-gane:** keith yes

**Queef Bro-gane:** but seriously 

**Queef Bro-gane:** what the hell we don’t have time to take care of cats let alone two let alone KITTENS

**Shito Bro-gane:** but keeeeeeeeeeith

**Queef Bro-gane:** young man I will not tolerate this

**Shito Bro-gane:** fuck u you’re not my real mom

**Queef Bro-gane:** stop making adoption jokes

**Queef Bro-gane:** this is homophobic

**Shito Bro-gane:** we’re getting a kitten (or two) because pets are good for your mental health

**Shito Bro-gane:** and because I say so

**Queef Bro-gane:** i hate you

**Shito Bro-gane:** <333333

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Text Message Sept 19 3:30**

**New Groupchat: Altea Adoptions Kitten Applicants**

**562-135-XXXX:** Hi Allura!! Thanks so much! Hunk and I are really excited for the kittens. Can we all introduce ourselves? I’m Lance McClain-Espinosa, and I’m a Sophomore at San Jose State. Studying Aviation w/ a minor in Astrophysics :D

**562-370-XXXX:** Hey all! I’m Hunk Garrett (yes, hunk is a nickname, long story… ). I’m also a sophomore @ San Jose State in the engineering  & robotics department. And I really like cats :’))

**456-381-XXXX:** I’m Takashi Shirogane, but please call me Shiro. 27, working @ the Ames Research Center currently.

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** woah, as in the NASA Ames Research Center?? :0 bro. Hook me UP. 

**678-XXX-XXXX** : waddup, I’m pidge, freshman @ SJSU in the robotics/engineering dept, minoring in graphic design and I like smooth jazz and long walks off a short pier

**456-221-XXXX:** @ pidge relatable

**456-221-XXXX:** keith kogane sophomore SJSU aviation

**Hunk Garrett:** oh hi pidge!! I think I’ve seen you around the lab?? You work is awesome, really impressive :DD

**Pidge Holt** : thanks bro

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : 1) pidge why are you minoring in graphic design?? Just out of curiosity

**Pidge Holt:** so i can make the freshest memes

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** ok I know we’re gonna b friends

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : 2) keith buddy why have I never seen u around in the aviation building,,

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : unless I have *gasp*

**Keith Kogane** : haha probably not

**Keith Kogane** : I take night classes and sometimes online. This is my first year at SJSU I transferred. 

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : ah cool cool

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : just out of curiosity did you go to high school around here

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : because I went to school w a keith kogane???

**Keith Kogane** : I did actually. Did you go to SJHS?

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : Yes!!! 

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : omg you were in my honors physics class

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : remember????

**Keith Kogane** : um. No, sorry.

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : oh. Okay

**Keith Kogane** . I’m bad with remembering things. Sorry.

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** naw all good man lol 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Text Message Sept 19 3:47 pm**

**From: Hunky Dory / To: Lancening McQueen**

**Hunky Dory:** Lance I can FEEL u pouting from across campus

**Lancening McQueen:** JDCGHBEDG CAN YOU BELIEVE

**Lancening McQueen:** THE BEST GOTDAMN THING TO HAPPEN IN MONTHS AND KEITH MOTHER FLUCKING KOGANE IS A PART OF IT

**Lancening McQueen:** IM GOING TO HAVE TO PUT UP W HIM FOR LIKE 8 WEEKS 

**Hunky Dory:** kittens are worth it tho

**Lancening McQueen:** tru tru

**Lancening McQueen:** it’s just

**Lancening McQueen:** uuuggghhhwhdjkewbdbcu

**Lancening McQueen:** I can’t believe after that whole ordeal w the testing he didn’t remember me ya feel

**Lancening McQueen:** it’s stupid

**Hunky Dory:** it’s not stupid  <333

**Lancening McQueen:** thank  <33333333333

**Lancening McQueen:** ugh

**Hunky Dory:** maybe give him the benefit of the doubt??

**Hunky Dory:** like you’ve matured A LOT since then I bet he has too

**Lancening McQueen:** or he’s the same emo fucker with terrible hair

**Hunky Dory:** dont be upsetti

**Hunky Dory:** have some spaghetti

**Lancening McQueen:** please tell me this is your way of telling me you’re making spaghetti for us tonight

**Hunky Dory:** ;))

**Lancening McQueen:** jsdchgjdgc hunk you are my dream man

**Hunky Dory:**  <333

**Lancening McQueen:**  <33333!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Text Message Sept 19 4:05 pm**

**From: Shito Bro-gane / To: Queef Bro-gane**

**Shito Bro-gane:** wanna tell me why you told lance you don’t remember him orr

**Queef Bro-gane:** shut

**Shito Bro-gane:** k e i t h

**Queef Bro-gane:** because I had a giant fucking crush on him for basically all of high school and he was smart and charismatic and nice and he doesn’t know I technically got expelled he just thinks I dropped out or something like everyone else and he hardly ever even TALKED to me but he somehow fucking remembers me from physics?? And now either 1) he and hunk are dating bc that’s what it seemed like !! which is great for them or 2) he’s DEFINITELY straight because he always seemed!! straight!! And like why the fuck would he even like me or be my friend I’m still fuckin piecing my life back together and he is a glowing paragon of like. Intelligence and great skin. fuck he’s such a GOOD PERson shiro and I didn’t even know he WENT to sjs until literally last week I saw him across the quad and walked into a goddamn wall.

**Shito Bro-gane:** so… that’s why you… told him you didn’t know him

**Shito Bro-gane:** that aside keith these are the kind of negative thoughts that mom and dad want you to talk to someone abt again

**Shito Bro-gane:** we want you to take good care of yourself because you’re still readjusting and it’s not easy. For anyone. 

**Shito Bro-gane:** and I’m sure Lance isn’t perfect. Like by any means. No one is.

**Queef Bro-gane:** fuck fuck I know I know all these things and I just

**Queef Bro-gane:** it sucks.

**Shito Bro-gane:** I know. 

**Queef Bro-gane:** I hate it when you talk to me all serious you sound like dad

**Shito Bro-gane:** do you think this means I’m going to have a sudden urge to buy polo shirts

**Queef Bro-gane:** god I hope not

**Queef Bro-gane:** thanks. You’re good at being a big brother. 

**Queef Bro-gane:** sorry I’m fucked up

**Shito Bro-gane:** you don’t have to apologize dude

**Shito Bro-gane:** <333

**Queef Bro-gane:** <3

End ch1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.” 

** ― Charles Dickens **

 


	2. ch 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lance and keith are idiots. pidge is a meme machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey you guys!! so, updates will likely be on tuesdays, with any luck  
> also, forgive me inaccuracies/inconsistencies in the kitten pics,, i cannot find perfect pictures for everything  
> but enjoy!

 

**Text Message Sept 27 2:45 am**

**Groupchat: Altea Adoptions Kitten Applicants**

 

**Allura Altea** : ( _attached:_[ _1 image_](http://thecreativecat.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/092313-KellieKittens-newborn.jpg) ) The kittens are here!!

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : OH MY GOD

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : ASDYTYYUHJHFFWGFGFGHVDFRTFGH

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD ABT BEING WOKEN UP AT 2AM

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : I HAVE BEEN BLESSED

**Pidge Holt** : what the fresh hell why are you awake at this hour

**Allura Altea** : Lilac went into labor, so we woke up

**Keith Kogane** : it’s okay. I was awake anyway.

**Keith Kogane:** :3!!!!!!!!!!!

**Pidge Holt** : !!!! yeah they are pretty gret

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : gret

**Keith Kogane** : gret job :))

**Pidge Holt** : wow thanks :3!!!!!!!!!!

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** I can’t believe no one is safe from dragging in a gc about c a t s

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : I’m going the fuck to bed

_Pidge Holt changed the groupchat name from_ **_Altea Adoptions Kitten Applicants_ ** _to_ **_keith got fuking recked_ **

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Text Message Sept 27 8:06 am**

**Groupchat: keith got fucking recked**

 

**Hunk Garrett** : Thanks so much for the picture Allura!!! They’re ADORABLE AHDHFUEFUEY

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : hunk how did u not wake up when the gc went off

**Hunk Garrett** : I keep my phone on silent when I sleep, like a normal person

**Pidge Holt** : lmao nerd

**Hunk Garrett** : pidge aren’t you supposed to be in the class I am currently in

**Pidge Holt:** no it doesn’t start til 8:10

**Hunk Garrett** : no it starts at 8:00,,,

**Pidge Holt** : fuck my entire life up the ass with a lunchbox I’ll be right there save me a seat

**Keith Kogane** : pidge I don’t think you mocking my emoji usage constitutes me getting “”recked””

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : yeah

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : getting snatched is like “keith, the 80’s called, it wants its mullet back you biker stereotype”

**Keith Kogane** : 1. That was a lame insult

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : but a true one

**Keith Kogane** : 2. How do you know I have a “mullet”

**Lance McClain-Espionsa:** I’m at the Moliere House rn too loser look behind you

**Keith Kogane** : oh

**Keith Kogane:** hi

 

_Contact:_ **_Keith Kogane_ ** _→_ **_Queef Colgate_ **

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Text Message Sept 27 10:07am**

**To: lancening McQueen from: hunky dory**

 

**Hunky Dory:** hey dude u ok

**Lancening McQueen:** yeah y

**Hunky Dory:** you ran into Keith this morning how'd that go ,,?

**Lancening McQueen:** ah

**Lancening McQueen:** nah it's all good we just chatted for like a minute or so

**Hunky Dory:** you sure

**Lancening McQueen:** yES I am sure hunk he's not that bad I'm not going to crucify him

**Hunky Dory:** sounds fake but ok

**Lancening McQueen:** uuugghhhsushdhd

**Lancening McQueen:** he's more mature now and so am I. we can get along now w/o blowing up at each other

**Hunky Dory:** hmmmmmm

**Hunky Dory:** now didn't you have a friend

**Hunky Dory:** who is v handsome and a good cook

**Hunky Dory:** who told you basically the same thing a few days ago :))))))

**Lancening McQueen:** don't come for me like this

**Hunky Dory:** :)))))))))))

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Groupchat: keith got fucking recked**

**Sept 28 3:09pm**

 

**Pidge Holt:** hey allura, so I couldn't help but notice now that it looks like here are only four kittens. Is that true or

**Allura Altea:** hi, pidge. Yes, there are only four kittens. We would like to apologize, but we do only have four kittens available for adoption.

**Queef Colgate:** Shiro and I can take one kitten for the two of us. It's only fair since we live together. That would probably even be easier for us and our schedules.

**Takashi Shirogane:** Hi all. Yeah, Keith and I can take one, I don't want any of the rest of you to have to miss out on a kitten.

**Takashi Shirogane:** On another note, pidge-- are you by any chance related to a Matthew Holt?

**Pidge Holt:** why yes I am

**Pidge Holt:** WAIT

**Pidge Holt:** AAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

**Pidge Holt:** SHIRO IS THAT YOU AS IN MATT’S SHIRO

**Pidge Holt:** #WILD

**Takashi Shirogane:** yup, that's me. Tell your brother hi for me. And to answer my darn texts

**Pidge Holt:** he's working himself to death smh

**Takashi Shirogane:** tell him to sleep

**Queef Colgate:** glass houses shiro

**Queef Colgate:** hey pidge. I think I remember you-- we hung out at like. Shiro’s baseball games right?

**Pidge Holt:** oh gosh yeah

**Pidge Holt:** it really is such a small world after all :’’))

**Takashi Shirogane:** can we change the groupchat name

**Takashi Shirogane:** it just doesn't make sense

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** don't ask shiro just do

**_Lance McClain-Espinosa_ ** _changed the GroupChat name from_ **_keith got fucking recked_ ** _to_ **_its a CATastrophe_ **

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** yw :*

**Pidge Holt:** LEAVE

 

**Sept 28 3:05pm**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

 

**Hunk Garrett:** hey pidge do you have the lab notes from Wednesday?? I'm totally lost :00

**Pidge Holt:** yeah gimme sec

**Hunk Garrett:** bles  <33

**Allura Altea:** [1 video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOXZbPSyyl0)

**Allura Altea:** Blue, Yellow and Green are playing!!

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** ALLURA YOU BLESS ME EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE THESE ANGELS,,,

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** who is who

**Allura Altea:** The calico one is Yellow, the tortoiseshell grey one is Green, and the blue one is blue! All happy and healthy.

**Allura Altea:** [1 image](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/aNfrFsaaFJY/maxresdefault.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** Red is the last one, she’s always asleep… here’s a picture of her from yesterday.

**Hunk Garrett:** these kittens are ILLEGALLY CUTE

**Pidge Holt:** Agreed

**Pidge Holt:** why are they named red blue yellow and green?? Just out of curiosity

**Allura Altea:** well, lilac is named lilac bc she’s a lilac point siamese, and we named blue blue bc she’s blue

**Allura Altea:** and we wanted to keep the color theme going for our lil family

**Allura Altea:** but you guys are free to rename them once you adopt them

**Allura Altea:** [1 image](http://www.ozanimals.com/image/albums/cat/lilac-point-thai-cat.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** bonus pic of the diva herself

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** tell her she’s a goddess and I love her

**Allura Altea:** she’s a gd drama queen is all she is

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** she is the mother of my future child this is slander????

**Allura Altea:** I am her mother I speak only the truth?????

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** bamboozled again

**Queef Colgate** : i enter the chat to this madness

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : yw :*

**Hunk Garrett** : lance I’m making a 7-11 run want anything

**Pidge Holt:** i want my sleep schedule back on track

**Hunk Garrett** : yeah I got like 10 dollars

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : get me a slurpee and some redbull

**Takashi Shirogane:** lance

**Takashi Shirogane** : if you’re doing what I think you’re doing

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : I have like 5h of reading to get through

**Hunk Garrett** : yeah I’m not getting you redbull

**Hunk Garrett** : not after last time

**Pidge Holt** : what happened last time

**Hunk Garrett** : he poured the redbull into his slurpee and downed it in thirty seconds then passed out thirteen hours later

**Hunk Garrett:** then he slept for 26 hours

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : it’s my signature blend

**Pidge Holt:** pour redbull into your slurpee and enter the liminal space where you can fight Lucifer behind an Arby’s

**Queef Colgate:** self care is pouring redbull into your slurpee so you can astral project to the Denny’s where you can talk to God and ask him questions but only on Tuesdays at 5pm

**Hunk Garrett:** no the fuck it’s not keith

**Hunk Garrett** : lance what kind of slurpee do you want

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : blue raspberry do u even need to ask

**Queef Colgate** : I am Disgusted

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** ????

**Queef Colgate:** blue raspberry isn’t even a real flavor it’s just food coloring and sugar wtf

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** ACTually blue raspberry is blue because they wanted to market a raspberry flavor but though red or pink would be confused with strawberry or cherry so they made it blue

**Queef Colgate:** that doesn’t make sense bc a) blue can be confused w blueberry b) strawberry and cherry are already confused w each other because they’re both red/pink so adding a third wouldn’t matter

**Queef Colgate:** colors/flavors interchange all the time it just doesn’t make sense why they’d make raspberry blue

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** blueberry can be purple asswipe

**Queef Colgate** : grape??

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** GRAPE FLAVORING SHOULD NOT EXIST IT ALWAYS TASTES LIKE DIMETAPP

**Queef Colgate:** they should have made raspberry red if they wanted it to be successful every1 knows cherry flavored things are always the best

**Queef Colgate:** exhibit a: popsicles

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** cherry tastes like COUGH MEDICINE

**Queef Colgate** : blue raspberry tastes like DRAIN CLEANER your point

**Queef Colgate:** and it stains your mouth blue it looks gross

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** that’s not what your mom saiD LAST NIGHT

**Queef Colgate:** my mom’s dead

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** WELL FUCK.

**Queef Colgate** : lance u fuckin know I’m an orphan

**Pidge Holt:** this is the funniest shit I've seen all day

**Pidge Holt:** and sour green apple is by far the best

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** pidge that's gross sour green apple is bitter as hell

**Pidge Holt:** just like me

**Queef Colgate:** now I'm craving a slurpee

**Hunk Garrett:** want me to get you one???

**Queef Colgate:** no I don't want to trouble you

**Hunk Garrett:** too late I’m getting you a slurpee

 

**Text Message 4:56pm**

**Lance McClain-Espinosa →  Queef Colgate**

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : where the fuck are you

**Queef Colgate** : ???

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** im bringing u your damn slurpee hunk has a class at 5

**Queef Colgate** : oh um

**Queef Colgate:** library

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** yes but WHERE in the library

**Queef Colgate:** aviation section where else dumbass

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** dude if you got the beanbags I will forgive all of your cherry-flavored sins

**Queef Colgate:** well now I have them

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** !! I’m omw

**Queef Colgate:** hurry I have my legs spread across two beanbags people are giving me odd looks

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** gotta go fsat

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** [1 image](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/506/223/2ab.gif)

**Queef Colgate** : i s2g

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** hey what’s my name in your phone

**Queef Colgate:** why

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** curious

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** bc you’re still “Queef Colgate”

**Queef Colgate:** w h y

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** because

**Queef Colgate:** you’re just “Lance McClain-Espinosa”

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** can’t believe you put in ppls last names that’s LAME

**Queef Colgate:** it differentiates between multiple people w the same last name???

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** so does ridiculous nicknames n emojis

**Queef Colgate:** why are we arguing abt this

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** I’d say u started it but

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** I kinda started it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Queef Colgate:** no no I kept retaliating it’s my bad too

**Queef Colgate:** I’m just an antagonistic person

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** hey I’m sorry abt my remarks in the gc earlier it was really extra of me

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** extra in the bad way

**Queef Colgate:** it’s ok

**Queef Colgate** : I’m sorry too

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** you dont need to apologize dude I was the dick lol

**Queef Colgate:** I started the bs abt slurpees though

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** well I’m here w the metaphorical olive branch/disgusting cherry slurpee

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** I’m walking iniaulsdgjd

**Queef Colgate:** ?

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : sorry im not dead

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** : almost ran into someone

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** hazards of texting n walking

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** walking into the library rn

**Queef Colgate:** cool

**Queef Colgate:** I’m the puddle of flashcards on the beanbag

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** cool

**Lance McClain-Espinosa:** can I use some of your notes I rlly don’t want to do the reading :///

**Queef Colgate:** give me my slurpee and I’ll think abt it fucker

 

**Lance McClain-Espinosa** → **Lance McCOOL**

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**8:23pm**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**Pidge Holt:** everyone I have an announcement

**Hunk Garrett:** yes

**Takashi Shirogane:** yes

Queef Colgate: ?

**Lance McCOOL:** wgat

**Pidge Holt** : i’m a loseedhgfyrjkd

**Pidge Holt:** matt had my phone

**Allura Altea:** what is going on in this chat

**Takashi Shirogane:** I have no idea ever

**Hunk Garrett:** lance do u wanna do leftover pizza for dinner

**Lance McCOOL:** oooo sure

**Queef Colgate:** hold the phone you guys live on campus right

**Lance McCOOL:** yea

**Queef Colgate:** you have a microwave???

**Lance McCOOL:** ?? no

**Queef Colgate:** then how are you gonna reheat pizza

**Lance McCOOL:** who said anything abt reheating

**Queef Colgate:** w h A t

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”_

**― Ernest Hemingway**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tHANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED NICE THINGS/BOOKMARKED/LEFT KUDOS. you light my life and make me want to keep writing.  
> also, argument topics creds to mir0 ;))


	3. ch 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang bonds. and there's lots of coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> non-graphic panic attack in this chapter, but if you want to avoid that just skip the whole convo that happens under "Sept 30 11:31am."  
> also this one is longer than the others lmao... enjoy!!

**Sept 29 3:48pm**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

 

 **Pidge Holt:** ITS FRIDAY

 **Lance McCOOL:** FRIDAY

 **Lance McCOOL:** GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY

 **Lance McCOOL:** I cant believe september is almost over holy dang

 **Pidge Holt:** ikr didn’t school start like,, last week,,,

 **Lance McCOOL:** feels like it

 **Lance McCOOL:** any1 want to grab coffee?? My only friday class isn’t til 5

 **Allura Altea:** I’m on break rn

 **Lance McCOOL:** aw sweet!! I’d love to meet the lovely lady behind the lovely cats ;))

 **Allura Altea:** moliere house?

 **Lance McCOOL:** sure thang

 **Lance McCOOL:** I’ll be the devilishly handsome one with the green jacket

 **Allura Altea:** I’ll be the one who hasn’t slept in three days

 **Pidge Holt:** relatable

 **Pidge Holt:** mind if I tag along?? I need caffeine

 **Takashi Shirogane:** pidge, matt is with me rn. He tells me to tell you to not get coffee

 **Pidge Holt:** tell matt to fukc off I do what I want

 **Takashi Shirogane:** “Not while you’re living under my roof, young lady” -matt

 **Pidge Holt:** tell my brother that if this is about wht happened last night it was an ACCIDENT

 **Lance McCOOL:** what happened????

 **Pidge Holt:** I ACCIDENTALLY made coffee instead of tea.

 **Allura Altea:** I may regret asking this but

 **Allura Altea:** how do you make coffee… accidentally… instead of tea,,

 **Pidge Holt:** so matt and I have a keurig and you can use it to make coffee obviously but sometimes I just use it for hot water, as one does.

 **Pidge Holt:** and so last night I decided to use it to make some tea for myself, because I am a responsible student practicing good self care.

 **Pidge Holt:** however. There was a complication.

 **Pidge Holt:** you see, matt had made himself some coffee earlier that day and forgot to take the used pod out.

 **Pidge Holt:** so instead of just dispensing water, it dispensed coffee.

 **Pidge Holt:** and I didn’t really notice because it was brown and tea is brown so I just assumed it had brewed really fast?

 **Pidge Holt:** and that’s how I drank a large cup of coffee at 11pm.

 **Lance McCOOL:** I’m here

 **Lance McCOOL:** that is Quite The Story pidge

 **Lance McCOOL:** hyped to meet you guys tbh :’))

 **Lance McCOOL:** who knew a groupchat about adopting cats would lead to such good memories

 **Pidge Holt:** *meme-ories

 **Lance McCOOL:** pidge you’re the ideal woman

 **Pidge Holt:** I’m 16 and a lesbian

 **Lance McCOOL:** what the FUCK you’re a freshman in college you’re 16 ???!!!!!!!!

 **Pidge Holt:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Takashi Shirogane:** yeah pidge is scary smart

 **Takashi Shirogane** : and a “literal gremlin” --matt

 **Lance McCOOL:** [1 image](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BC36mMHCMAE87Zd.png:large)

 **Pidge Holt:** um this is cyberbullying and homophobic ://// ??

 **Lance McCOOL:** um I have ADHD and so you calling me out is ableist and also biphobic ://// ??

 **Queef Colgate:** lance you’re bi??

 **Lance McCOOL:** obviously

 **Lance McCOOL:** is that an issue

 **Queef Colgate:** no I’m just glad I’m not in a gc full of straight people

 **Lance McCOOL:** y33t

 **Lance McCOOL:** aha PiDGE if ur a tiny person w giant glasses I see u I’m waving frantically

 **Pidge Holt:** o shit waddup

 **Allura Altea:** I’m really close

 **Lance McCOOL:** hsashgd you guys gorgeous girl sighting

 **Lance McCOOL:** she’s tall and her hair is silver and I think she could break me in half w her legs alone I’m in love???

 **Allura Altea:** … lance

 **Lance McCOOL:** … funny story you guys gorgeous girl is Allura

 **Takashi Shirogane:** o shit waddup

 **Takashi Shirogane:** \--matt

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Sept 29 6:07pm**

**Text Message: Shito Bro-gane → Queef Bro-gane**

 

 **Shito Bro-gane:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Queef Bro-gane:** what

 **Shito Bro-gane:** so Lance is bi

 **Queef Bro-gane** : yes

 **Queef Bro-gane:** which likely means he and hunk are dating so

 **Shito Bro-gane:** keiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith

 **Shito Bro-gane:** you need to listen to your feeeeeelingggggggs

 **Queef Bro-gane:** either shiro is day drinking again or this is matt

 **Shito Bro-gane:** hi keith

 **Queef Bro-gane:** hi matt. Does shiro know you have his phone

 **Shito Bro-gane:** he’s asleep at my kitchen table so no

 **Queef Bro-gane** : I can’t believe people still think he’s the responsible one

 **Shito Bro-gane:** ikr it’s obviously me

 **Queef Bro-gane:** the two of you once almost blew up our shed

 **Shito Bro-gane:** for SCIENCE

 **Queef Bro-gane:** still

 **Shito Bro-gane:** ;))

 

**Sept 29 6:13pm**

**Text Message: Keith KoGay → Pidgey**

 

 **Keith KoGay:** my brother is at your apartment asleep

 **Pidgey:** k

**Sept 29 6:46pm**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

 

 **Lance McCOOL:** 1 image

 **Lance McCOOL:** LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

 **Lance McCOOL:** pidge allura im so glad i got to meet u

 **Allura Altea:** me too!! Glad to be entrusting my grandchildren to good people

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** delet that I hav crumbs on my face

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** also whats my name in ur phone

 **Lance McCOOL:** “Pidgeot lvl69”

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** good

 **Queef Colgate:** what the hecc is it with you guys and these contact names

 **Lance McCOOL:** shut up queef

 **Takashi Shirogane:** lmao that’s keith’s name in Shiro’s phone too

 **Takashi Shirogane:** this is matt btw

 **Lance McCOOL:** hi matt

 **Lance McCOOL:** you’re pidge’s brother?

 **Takashi Shirogane:** why yes

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** matt I’m omw home

 **Allura Altea:** oh pidge that reminds me

 **Allura Altea:** as a minor you need a legal adult for the cat adoption process

 **Allura Altea:** shall I put your brother down?

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** yeah that works

 **Allura Altea:** wonderful! Matt, I’ll need your contact information then

 **Takashi Shirogane:** gotcha

 **Takashi Shirogane:** ooo shiro’s waking up

 **Takashi Shirogane:** matt holt signing off

 **Takashi Shirogane:** until next tsisdjhc

 **Takashi Shirogane:** This is Shiro.

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** hi shiro

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** are you gonna stay for dinner

 **Takashi Shirogane:** probably

 **Queef Colgate:** I’ll join my class at 7 got cancelled

 **Queef Colgate:** p sure the prof just wants to go out on a friday night instead of teaching this class lmao

 **Lance McCOOL:** lmao why do you have a class at 7pm on a friday,,, keith,, love yourself

 **Queef Colgate:** too late

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** too real

 **Lance McCOOL:** keith I should take you out partyin

 **Queef Colgate:** how about no

 **Lance McCOOL:** no no it would be lots of fun

 **Lance McCOOL:** we should all meet up and do something it would be lots of fun

 **Lance McCOOL:** would you all be up for that or

 **Allura Altea:** yes!

 **Hunky Dory:** you know I am

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** im in

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** shiro doesn’t have his phone on him bc he’s eating but he said yes

 **Queef Colgate:** i guess I’ll go

 **Hunky Dory:** we don’t wanna force u keith!!

 **Queef Colgate:** no no I just don’t get out much I guess

 **Lance McCOOL:** yaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!

 **Lance McCOOL:** :DDDDDD

 **Lance McCOOL:** so when are you guys free????

 **Queef Colgate:** I don’t have a whole lot of free time during the week. Sundays work best

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** yeah that sounds good

 **Hunky Dory:** I can do Sunday

 **Hunky Dory:** This sunday?

 **Lance McCOOL:** why not

 **Lance McCOOL:** hmmm if it’s a sunday we should do something during the day huh :((

 **Queef Colgate:** something during the day sounds great

 **Queef Colgate:** sorry to disappoint

 **Lance McCOOL:** no no no worries

 **Lance McCOOL:** movie? Roller skating? Lunch? Museum?

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** movie movie movie I want to see lego batman SO BAD

 **Lance McCOOL:** yES OH MY GOD

 **Queef Colgate:** that sounds awesome honestly

 **Queef Colgate:** a movie would be perfect

 **Lance McCOOL:** so, this Sunday? Like, 2ish? The cineplex?

 **Queef Colgate:** yup

 **Hunky Dory:** yess

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** ye

 **Allura Altea:** maybe idk if I can get off work

 **Takashi Shirogane:** same here :/

 **Hunky Dory:** aww :(( it’s all good

 **Allura Altea:** you younglings go have fun

  


**Sept 30 8:07am**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**Queef Colgate:** hey anyone awake yet

 **Lance McCOOL:** what hte cheese stick

 **Lance McCOOL:** its sunday aka day of rest

 **Queef Colgate:** I’m atheist

 **Queef Colgate:** I’m at the gym and shiro’s already at work and he dropped me off and I don’t want to call an uber or lyft or whatever

 **Queef Colgate:** if it’s convenient I was wondering if I could get a ride from any of you

 **Lance McCOOL:** keith dont take this the wrong way but do you have friends

 **Queef Colgate:** how can I take that any other way but the “wrong way”

 **Lance McCOOL:** why are you asking peopel in a chat created for adopting cats for a ride you hardly know us

 **Queef Colgate:** I know pidge and shiro

 **Queef Colgate:** and I went to high school with you and hunk

 **Queef Colgate:** and I kind of know allura

 **Lance McCOOL:** ?? how

 **Queef Colgate:** we go to the same gym

 **Queef Colgate:** 1 image

 **Queef Colgate:** and she gave me a ride while you were being a dick because she’s nice like that

 **Lance McCOOL:** allura I demand evidence

 **Queef Colgate:** 1\. I just sent you a picture that is evidence 2. Don’t ask allura to text and drive

 **Lance McCOOL:** can’t believe my arch enemy just stole the girl of my dreams out from under my nose,,, :’(((((((

 **Queef Colgate:** oh honey not my gay ass

 **Lance McCOOL:** OHM Y GODD KEiTH

 **Lance McCOOL:** KEITH YOU MADE A JOKE   
**Lance McCOOL:** AN ACTUAL JOKE IM SO PROUD OF YOU

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** everyone go th e fuc back to sleep its so earlyy

 **Lance McCOOL:** can’t keith woke me up

 **Queef Colgate:** silence your phone while sleeping dumbass

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** what he said

 **Queef Colgate:** also it isn’t that early. It’s, like, 8:30.

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** that’s like 5am pidge time mister

 

**Sept 30 10:55am**

**Text Message: Hunky Dory → Lancening McQueen**

**Hunky Dory:** straight up you were kinda rude to keith this morning

 **Lancening McQueen:** fuck i knew it

 **Lancening McQueen:** sshjdshiuhwetyfd I’ll apologize

 **Lancening McQueen:** it’s too early for this

 **Hunky Dory** : lance it is rapidly approaching noon

**Sept 30 11:16am**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hunk hunk hunk hunk hunk hunk

 **Hunky Dory:** yes

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** is that fuckin test THIS monday

 **Hunky Dory:** damn

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** HUNK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE

 **Hunky Dory:** IM SORRY

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** okokok we need to have a cram sesh thou

 **Hunky Dory:** sounds good I’ll make cookies

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** has anyone ever told you u are the perfect human being

 **Lance McCOOL:** i have many times

 **Lance McCOOL:** does this mean you guys can’t make the movie :(((

 **Hunky Dory:** fraid not :((((((

 **Lance McCOOL:** fuc it’s ok we can just reschedule

 **Hunky Dory:** no no you and keith go you guys can still go

 **Lance McCOOL** : uh if you’re sure

 **Queef Colgate:** as long as lance is ok with it.

 

**Sept 30 11:31am**

**Text Message: Queef Bro-gane → Shito Bro-gane**

**Queef Bro-gane:** shiro please see if you can get the afternoon off I cannot go to the movies alone w lance

 **Shito Bro-gane:** hello to you too

 **Shito Bro-gane:** I really can’t. We have this proposal due tuesday and we need to finish it.

 **Shito Bro-gane:** Also, would it be so bad if you and lance went to the movies together? You’ll probably bond

 **Shito Bro-gane:** what’s the worst that can happen?

 **Queef Bro-gane:** we end up arguing in the middle of the movie so animatedly that we have a fistfight get banned from the theater and then Lance hates me forever and by extension everyone else hates me

 **Shito Bro-gane:** ok I should have known better than to ask you that.

 **Shito Bro-gane:** you should go to the movies with lance because the two of you have the potential to become very close. You have corresponding personalities.

 **Queef Bro-gane:** more like combustive personalities

 **Shito Bro-gane:** Keith.

 **Queef Bro-gane:** you’re going to make me go aren’t you

 **Shito Bro-gane:** of course not, it’s your choice

 **Queef Bro-gane:** not really because if I do go we’ll argue and lance will hate me but if I don’t go lance will think I flaked and hate me

 **Shito Bro-gane:** you know I’m not the best at talking to you when you get like this and I apologize for that

 **Queef Bro-gane:** no no you have nothing to apologize for

 **Shito Bro-gane:** do you want me to call you

 **Queef Bro-gane:** no I’m doing the breathing

 **Shito Bro-gane:** okay. Do you want to tell me what your plan is

 **Queef Bro-gane:** I’m going to keep doing the breathing for ten minutes, then I’m going to wash my face and get dressed and ride my bike to the theater.

 **Shito Bro-gane:** okay. Call me when you get there please.

 **Queef Bro-gane:** I will

 

**Sept 30 11:44am**

**Text Message: Lancening McQueen → Hunky Dory**

**Lancening McQueen:** hunk do I really have to go to the movies w keith

 **Hunky Dory:** yes

 **Hunky Dory:** also what happened to “ooooo keith and I are both more MATURE now we can talk civilly!” 

**Lancening McQueen:** see the great slurpee debate™

 **Hunky Dory:** lance

 **Lancening McQueen:** also did you see the way he responded?? ““as long as lance is ok w it””

 **Lancening McQueen:** he hates me

 **Hunky Dory:** he definitely doesn’t hate you, he hasn’t known you long enough

 **Lancening McQueen:** gee thx

 **Hunky Dory:** and he was probably a lil frosty because you were lance mcrude to him this morning

 **Hunky Dory:** and keith doesn’t seem like he hates anyone??

 **Hunky Dory:** he’s like,, the chihuahua of people

 **Lancening McQueen:** that’s an insult to chihuahuas

 **Hunky Dory:** didn’t you guys have a pretty civil study date not long ago

 **Hunky Dory:** you obviously can hang out like normal damn people

 **Hunky Dory:** give the boy a chance

 **Hunky Dory:** besides I’m usually right

 **Lancening McQueen:** hunk you beautifully cruel fallen angel

 **Hunky Dory:** <33333333

 **Lancening McQueen:** …  <3

 

**Sept 30 1:36**

**Text Message: Lance McCOOL → Queef Colgate**

**Lance McCOOL:** yo this morning was rlly shitty of me I’m sorry

 **Lance McCOOL:** i do shitty things bc I’m bad at thinking before I act and it’s my fault, and I really didn’t set out to make you feel bad

 **Queef Colgate:** it’s ok

 **Queef Colgate:** I like. Really get it

 **Queef Colgate:** trust me

 **Queef Colgate:** and I didn’t really take it seriously I mean I knew you were just messing around or something. You’re not cruel.

 **Lance McCOOL** : cool.

 **Queef colgate:** cool

 **Lance McCOOL:** AWKWARD PAUSE I’M BREAKING IT

 **Lance McCOOL:** I’m at the theater do u want me to get the tix

 **Queef Colgate:** sure, I’ll pay you back. Leaving now

 **Lance McCOOL:** nah it’s ok u can just buy me overpriced popcorn and a slurpee

 **Queef Colgate:** i s2g, if you make me buy a blue raspberry one…

 **Lance McCOOL:** um don’t text n drive keith!! :))

 **Queef Colgate:** don’t u sass me

 

“Cats have it all — admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.”

— _Rod McKuen_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, projecting all over these characters: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
> fun fact: pidge's accidental coffee-making story happened to me  
> (hahaahaaa let's pretend the lego batman movie will still be in theaters this september,,)  
> ps i lov you guys 
> 
> also: find me on my tumblr @glassespidge and find mir0 @bbygirlpidge !! scream abt these kiddos w us :0


	4. ch 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what's the opposite of "miss me with that gay shit"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: v slight lego batman movie spoilers (no plot stuff!)  
> sorry this is a lil later than normal aaaa this month is kinda crazy!!   
> (hi mrs. atkinson)

**Text Message 1:58pm**

**Matt Holt → Pidgey**

**Matt Holt** : pidge

**Matt Holt:** p

**Matt Holt:** i

**Matt Holt:** d

**Matt Holt:** g

**Matt Holt:** e

**Pidgey:** what I’m studying fucker

**Matt Holt:** keith is at the movies WITH A GUY

**Pidgey:** right but also wrong

**Pidgey:** he's out w lance

**Matt Holt:** oh damn they're a couple??

**Pidgey:** wtf no

**Matt Holt:** ?? ummmm

**Matt Holt:** body language says otherwise

**Pidgey:** what u mean

**Matt Holt:** I mean they're all leaning in toward each other and Keith keeps laughing at like everything 

**Matt Holt:** is this flirting??? is this what Keith flirting looks like

**Pidgey:** I mean I knew he had a thing for lance in high school but

**Pidgey:** idk they like. just reconnected

**Pidgey:** they argue ALL THE TIME

**Matt Holt:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

**Pidgey:** oh no

**Matt Holt:** (  ͡°  ͜ʖ  ͡° ) 

**Pidgey:** do they know you're there

**Matt Holt:** I highly doubt it

**Matt Holt:** I'm sitting in the way front like an intelligent person and they're in the back middle and way too wrapped up in whatever convo they're having

**Pidgey:** Matthew you're the only person who willingly sits in the far front of a movie theatre

**Matt Holt:** well you're related to me dipshit

  
  
  


**Text Message 4:10pm**

**Lancening McQueen → Hunky Dory**

 

**Lancening McQueen** : hey could u maybe pick me up

**Hunky Dory** : I thought keith was gonna give u a ride home

**Hunky Dory** : did something go wrong??

**Hunky Dory** : I can’t rlly pick u up we’re still going strong as far as studying goes

**Lancening McQueen** : nothing went wrong but 

**Lancening McQueen** : there was an,, unforseen complication perhaps

**Hunky Dory** : which was

**Lancening McQueen** : keith rides a motorcycle

**Hunky Dory** : sorry but am I missing something

**Hunky Dory** : is that an issue?

**Lancening McQueen:** maybe?

**Lancening McQueen:** can we chat when we get home

**Hunky Dory:** of course

**Hunky Dory:** tell keith to drive safe

**Lancening McQueen** : will do

 

Text Message 4:15

Shito Bro-gane → Queef Bro-gane 

 

**Shito Bro-gane** : are you on your way home 

**Queef Bro-gane** : yeah, sorry just dropped lance off 

**Shito Bro-gane** : it's ok 

**Shito Bro-gane** : how did it go are you feeling ok 

**Queef Bro-gane** : im fine mom

**Shito Bro-gane** : rude?

**Queef Bro-gane** : it went fine 

**Queef Bro-gane** : we chatted about space and like comics and stuff. it was nice

**Queef Bro-gane** : a nice chill outing between pals

**Shito Bro-gane** : okay I'm glad 

**Queef Bro-gane** : shiro what if this was a date

**Shito Bro-gane** : did lance ask you on a date

**Queef Bro-gane** : no 

**Shito Bro-gane:** then it’s not a date

**Queef Bro-gane** : what if lance asks me if it WAS a date

**Queef Bro-gane:** what if I really really wanted it to be a date

**Shito Bro-gane** : then you tell him how you feel. or not. It's your choice

**Queef Bro-gane** : ahhsidjdjfjrjr shiro he's texTING ME 

 

**Text Message 4:20pm**

**Lance McCOOL → Queef Colgate**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** hey today was really nice!

**Lance McCOOL:** EYYYY 420

**Lance McCOOL:** ok sorry

**Lance McCOOL:** I'm glad we can hang out w/o arguing a ton haha

**Queef Colgate:** yeah, me too

**Queef Colgate:** you’re a really nice person to hang out with, and I don't get to hang out with people a lot and I'm glad I can with you

**Lance McCOOL** : :D

**Text Message 4:22pm**

**Lancening McQueen → Hunky Dory**

 

**Lancening McQueen:** ARE YOU ALMOST DONE W YOUR CRAMMING

**Hunky Dory:** YEAH ALMOST WHY

**Hunky Dory:** DO YOU WANNA GRAB DINNER

**Lancening McQueen:** NO

**Lancening McQueen** : well yes but that's not why I texted you

**Lancening McQueen:** I think I have a Situation and I want to talk abt it???

**Hunky Dory:** I'll be like another hour can you wait that long 

**Hunky Dory:** want me to ft you

**Lancening McQueen:** actually I think I'm just gonna type it all out

**Lancening McQueen:** or actually

**Lancening McQueen:** 1 screenshot

**Hunky Dory:** ??

**Hunky Dory:** why're you sending me your and Keith's texts

**Lancening McQueen:** bc I think I might have a crush on Keith 

**Hunky Dory:** OH

**Hunky Dory:** OH MY GOD

**Hunky Dory:** this is the best day of my life sjsjjdjsishdbd you two would be so cUte

**Lancening McQueen:** STOP

**Lancening McQueen:** THIS IS A CRISIS HUNK

**Lancening McQueen:** and it's not like a serious crush anyway it's just like. A lil bitty crush. It'll probably go away tbh. 

**Lancening McQueen:** but now I'm gonna feel awkward around KEITH of all people 

**Lancening McQueen** : feelings suck

**Hunky Dory** : oh no

**Hunky Dory:** he gave you a ride home on his MOTORCYCLE 

**Hunky Dory:** you had to HOLD ON TO HIM

**Hunky Dory** : AAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

**Lancening McQueen:** the worst part is he's so nice

**Lancening McQueen** : I could cope if it was just an aesthetic attraction like I could just keep reminding myself he sucks and eventually it would all be over 

**Lancening McQueen** : but I'm gonna have to get over this stupid crush while knowing he's this sweet smart guy 

**Lancening McQueen** : fml 

**Hunky Dory** : you don't necessarily have to get over it what if he feels the same way??

**Lancening McQueen** : poor fool he makes me laugh!

**Lancening McQueen:** a-hahahahahahaha!

**Hunky Dory:** if you're quoting Webber at me you must really be upset

**Lancening McQueen:** no shit!!

**Lancening McQueen:** aoejdjdjejdjhdoweurjfnskjd 

 

**Oct 1 9:07**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**Pidgeot lvl69:** attention

**Pidgeot lvl69:** HUNK AND I JUST FUKIN ACED OUR TEST !!

**Hunky Dory:** HELLS YEAH WE DID

**Hunky Dory:** ty for studying w me pidge!! :0

**Pidgeot lvl69:** no prob thank YOU

**Pidgeot lvl69:** honestly I wouldn’t hav done as well w/o you

**Lance McCOOL:** proud of you guys :’D

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hey how was lego batman

**Lance McCOOL:** SO GOOD

**Queef Colgate:** it was really good

**Lance McCOOL:** okok I don’t wanna spoil it but

**Lance McCOOL:** it’s basically the really good batman characterization we’ll never get from any other batman movie

**Lance McCOOL:** and it fits in w the canon of the lego movie

**Lance McCOOL** : and it was just a funny and cute movie

**Queef Colgate:** my one complaint is they aged up barbara/batgirl which is ://

**Queef Colgate:** but w/e also I don’t wanna spoil

**Lance McCOOL:** yeah that was…. :////

**Lance McCOOL:** but I also lov lego’s movies 

**Lance McCOOL:** why does lego always make such good movies and tv shows

**Hunky Dory:** niNJAGO

**Lance McCOOL:** YES NINJAGO

**Lance McCOOL:** I CANT BELIEVE THEYRE MAKING A MOVIE AAJGSHJGHD

**Queef Colgate:** I LOVED that show 

**Queef Colgate:** the highlight of the movie though was that lego’s licensing allowed it to make fun of DC and other franchises

**Pidgeot lvl69:** they better have a sequel w batwoman

**Pidgeot lvl69:** lesbian ICON

**Pidgeot lvl69:** also ok,,, I was raised on marvel and I love marvel a lot

**Pidgeot lvl69:** but with the hydra cap fuckup and now the hydra magneto fuckup not to mention tony’s characterization in civil war

**Pidgeot lvl69:** and dc giving me a gotham city sirens movie + wonder woman movie???

**Pidgeot lvl69:** friendship ended with MARVEL COMICS now DC COMICS is my best friend

**Queef Colgate:** detective comics comics

**Pidgeot lvl69:** shut the hell your mouth

**Queef Colgate:** I’ve always been a dc fan tbh

**Takashi Shirogane:** I heard dc and came running

**Takashi Shirogane:** metaphorically of course

**Takashi Shirogane:** keith and I were batman and robin one halloween

**Queef Colgate:** shiro no

**Takashi Shirogane:** 1 image

**Takashi Shirogane:** keith might have been like. 9?

**Takashi Shirogane:** So I was 16/17

**Takashi Shirogane:** and we were both really into batman 

**Lance McCOOL:** shiro I love how you only ever show up to humiliate Keith #goals

**Takashi Shirogane:** that's my real job

**Takashi Shirogane:** now I must leave again

**Hunky Dory:** iconic

**Pidgeot lvl69** : takashi shiroGONE

**Queef Colgate:** y'all suck

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hunk lance do you have any good blackmail for the other

**Pidgeot lvl69:** because I have plenty on Keith n shiro now

**Lance McCOOL:** how can you think I would betray hunk like that 

**Hunky Dory:** oh yeah I got one

**Lance McCOOL:** we are blood brothers

**Lance McCOOL:** HUNK NO

**Hunky Dory:** Ok So basically when lance was like 5 or something the song gasolina was really popular in his house or he would hear it when he visited his cousins?? It wasn’t too old or too new yet but yeah, Lance was small and didn’t really understand what it meant (what does she likes gasoline even mean that’s kinda dangerous don’t hoard gasoline) so he substituted gasolina for quesadilla and would sing it every time he wanted one he even danced along to it most of the time

**Pidgeot lvl69:** FSHGDYSG I CANT BELIEVE

**Pidgeot lvl69:** HUNK ILU

**Lance McCOOL:** betrayed by my bestie….

**Pidgeot lvl69:** top 10 anime betrayals

**Queef Colgate:** that’s the best story I’ve heard in awhile oh my god

**Lance McCOOL:** so which robin were you keith :)))

**Queef Colgate:** dick grayson ofc

**Queef Colgate:** I’m not some amatuer 

**Lance McCOOL** : lol dick

**Lance McCOOL:** that works on so many levels… nightwing… the mullet… 

**Lance McCOOL:** the angst… 

**Queef Colgate:** the dead parents

**Lance McCOOL:** you brought it up not me

**Queef Colgate:** you were thinking it

**Lance McCOOL:** scuze me for indirectly bringing up the dead elephant in the room

**Hunky Dory:** your guys’ sense of humor is way too dark

**Pidgeot lvl69:** welp

 

**Oct 1 11:47am**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**Allura Altea:** cat pics time! 

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/cd/39/1c/cd391ce50ca8e139955157697ec520d6.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** blue already loves posing for pics

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/0f/2a/c9/0f2ac9e6cdd291d7a4dda66525c9c208.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** green is an independent lady

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/26/77/13/2677131cfd8cdac428bf2555cc28a331.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** yellow’s favorite place to perch is the patio table

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](http://bhs.farrelldesigngroup.com/page/_files/IMG_3935.JPG)

**Allura Altea:** blue and red are good friends! Red is still a little shy, but blue cuddles with her anyway  <3 

**Lance McCOOL:** oh my godd 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** sdkjfhaulefgadubvh ANGELS

**Lance McCOOL:** im dying squirtle

**Hunky Dory:** blessed images

 

**Oct 1 2:31pm**

**Groupchat: its a CATastrophe**

**_Lance McCOOL changed the groupchat name from_ ** **its a CATastrophe** **_to_ ** **~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

**Lance McCOOL** : BOYS AND GIRLS OF EVERY AGE

**Lance McCOOL** : WOULDNT U LIKE TO SEE SOMETHING STRANGE

**Pidgeot lvl69:** cOME WITH US AND YOU WILL SEE

**Hunky Dory:** THIS OUR TOWN OF HALLOWEEEEEEN

**Lance McCOOL:** [ 1 image](http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/618/031/fc6.jpg)

**Pidgeot lvl69:** [ 1 image](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/618/032/409.jpg)

**Queef Colgate:** guys its literally the first day of October

**Lance McCOOL:** your point??

**Pidgeot lvl69** : fuck i love halloween

**Lance McCOOL:** the scariest thing this halloween is my massive student loan debt

**Queef Colgate:** isn’t it a bit early to be talking about halloween

**Lance McCOOL:** no??? It’s literally only 30 days away

**Queef Colgate:** “”only””

**Pidgeot lvl69:** thats only 3 weeks

**Queef Colgate:** was that sarcasm

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yes

**Queef Colgate:** ok good

**Pidgeot lvl69:** ah fuck I’ve got to put together a costume

**Pidgeot lvl69:** matt and I were contemplating being the baudelaires but I think he’s too busy ://

**Lance McCOOL** : pidge that would be so fucking cute

**Lance McCOOL:** but on the same note how many people would recognize y’all??????

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yeah I know but matt actually works bc he’s lame

**Pidgeot lvl69:** that’s not what matters 

**Lance McCOOL** : but the candy intake??????

**Pidgeot lvl69:** one year I was lizzie bennet n I did just fine

**Lance McCOOL:** who the fuck is lizzie bennet

**Pidgeot lvl69:** precisely

**Allura Altea:** she’s from pride and prejudice??

**Allura Altea:** lance you uncultured swine

**Queef Colgate:** yeah lance jeez 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** ugh I’m gonna miss doing smth fun 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** besides halloween is on a tuesday this year :(((((

**Takashi Shirogane:** weren’t you the pines twins last year that was adorable

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yes I know!

**Pidgeot lvl69:** and thanks lmao

**Takashi Shirogane:** keith why don’t you do cute sibling costumes with me

**Queef Colgate:** because I have dignity

**Takashi Shirogane:** no u don’t

**Queef Colgate:** called out by my own brother

**Lance McCOOL:** top 10 anime betrayals

 

**_Queef Colgate_ ** **has left this conversation.**

 

**_Lance McCOOL_ ** **added** **_Queef Colgate_ ** **to the conversation.**

  
  


“Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties.”

— _ Walter Lionel George _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING Y'ALL :) :) :)  
> your comments and kudos make us so happy you dont even kno  
> also the quesadilla thing is based off of my childhood stories btw (before all of yall complain that quesadillas are mexican quesadillas are literally everywhere in latin america and there's also cuban quesadillas ive been to cuba and am cuban dotn fuck w/ me)  
> ~Miro
> 
> hahahahahhaha let's pretend cat genetics work the way I'm pretending they work and there can totally b that many different colorings in a litter,,,  
> bles every1 who comments <33  
> -julia (schwartzys)


	5. ch 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i said a bow chicka wow wow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW OK THIS IS LITERALLY YEARS LATE. I am so sorry, march was a helluva month for me & I feel awful :((( please forgive me my sins and accept this offering of a kind of short chapter? I am going to try to get a bunch of chapters done in advance now that I'm on break, so if all goes well I won't leave you wonderful people hanging like that again. Enough chitchat, let's get to the good shit ~ schwartzys
> 
> NOTE FROM MIRO:  
> WE'RE VERY SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE SCHOOL WAS EATING OUR ASSES WE'LL TRY AND BE MORE FREQUENT FROM NOW ON :,((  
> i love n'yall

**Oct 2 10:36am**

**Grouchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

 **Queef Colgate:** so how is everyone

 

**Oct 3 7:22am**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

 **Takashi Shirogane:** hello gang, I have a half day at work today, we could all meet up and do something cool this evening

 **Lance McCOOL:** lmao rip keef

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** what

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** oh shit sorry keith i didnt check the chat until now

 **Hunky Dory:** ^^

 **Queef Colgate** : it’s w/e

 **Lance McCOOL:** such is the nature of The Groupchat™

 **Queef Colgate:** I wouldn’t know

 **Lance McCOOL:** yeah cause ur a LOSER

 **Queef Colgate:** we’ve established this lance

 **Takashi Shirogane:** so is that a yes on this evening

 **Lance McCOOL:** aw I wish I could

 **Lance McCOOL:** literally im about to combust w the amount of studying im putting off doing

 **Queef Colgate** : dumbass

 **Lance McCOOL:** shut up

 **Queef Colgate:** I can’t go either, I’m covering someone’s shift tonight

 **Lance McCOOL:** where do you work queef

 **Queef Colgate:** none of your beeswax

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** he works @ an auto shop

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** the one off main

 **Queef Colgate:** :(((

 **Lance McCOOL** : ahahHA now I can annoy you @ work

 **Lance McCOOL:** and you don’t even know where I work  >:))))))))

 **Lance McCOOL:** and you never willlll  >>:)))))))))))))

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** he works at denny’s

 **Queef Colgate:** that is positively fake

 **Lance McCOOL:** PIDGE WHAT THE FUCK

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** HUNK TOLD ME AAJKSAJHDIUSGHIG

 **Queef Colgate:** wait

 **Queef Colgate:** you for real work at denny’s

 **Lance McCOOL:** graveyard shifts pay well fuc u keith

 **Queef Colgate:** this is the best thing I’ve heard all day

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** it’s the one on 1st street near SJS

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** across from the wendy’s

 **Queef Colgate:** the potential…

 **Lance McCOOL:** pidge I hate u

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** *slow claps*

*steps out of the shadows*

Heh... not bad, kid. Not bad at all. Your meme, I mean. It's not bad. A good first attempt. It's plenty dank... I can tell it's got some thought behind it... lots of quotable material...

But memeing isn't all sunshine and rainbows, kid. You're skilled... that much I can tell. But do you have what it takes to be a Memester? To join those esteemed meme ranks? To call yourself a member of the Ruseman's Corps? Memeing takes talent, that much is true. But more than that it takes heart. The world-class Memesters - I mean the big guys, like Johnny Hammersticks and Billy Kuahana - they're out there day and night, burning the midnight meme-oil, working tirelessly to craft that next big meme.

And you know what, kid? 99 times out of a hundred, that new meme fails. Someone dismisses it as bait, or says it's "tryhard," or ignores it as they copy/paste the latest shitpost copypasta dreamt up by those sorry excuses for cut-rate memers over at reddit. The Meme Game is rough, kid, and I don't just mean the one you just lost :^). It's a rough business, and for every artisan meme you craft in your meme bakery, some cocksucker at 9gag has a picture of a duck or some shit that a million different Johnny No-Names will attach a milion different captions to. Chin up, kid. Don't get all mopey on me. You've got skill. You've got talent. You just need to show your drive.

See you on the boards...

 **Lance McCOOL:** Fresh off the boat, from reddit, kid? heh I remember when I was just like you. Braindead. Lemme give you a tip so you can make it in this cyber sanctuary: never make jokes like that. You got no reputation here, you got no name, you got jackshit here. It's survival of the fittest and you ain't gonna survive long on 4chan by saying stupid jokes that your little hugbox cuntsucking reddit friends would upboat. None of that here. You don't upboat. You don't downboat. This ain't reddit, kid. This is 4chan. We have REAL intellectual discussion, something I don't think you're all that familiar with. You don't like it, you can hit the bricks on over to imgur, you daily show watching son of a bitch. I hope you don't tho. I hope you stay here and learn our ways. Things are different here, unlike any other place that the light of internet pop culture reaches. You can be anything here. Me ? heh, I'm a judge.. this place.... this place has a lot to offer... heh you'll see, kid . . . that is if you can handle it.

 

 **_Takashi Shirogane_ ** **left this chat**

 

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** he’s shiroGONE

 

 **_Lance McCOOL_ ** **added** **_Takashi Shirogane_ ** **to this chat**

 

 **Takashi Shirogane:** 27 notifs in 5 minutes, guys. What the hell.

 **Queef Colgate:** you guys are giving shiro ptsd

 **Takashi Shirogane:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

 **Hunky Dory:** What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

 **Allura Altea:** are we sending copypastas?

 **Queef Colgate:** Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

 **Lance McCOOL:** sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt. i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings. i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won.

 **Takashi Shirogane:** okay this was fun but we’re stopping… please

 **Lance McCOOL:** Oh, how very big of you. You're an alpha male, are you? Well, let me clue you in on something: Alpha Males haven't been in charge for a good couple of decades. Obviously, this tirade is directed on a High School level. Once you get out of high school, and begin working at your dead-end office job, you know who your boss is going to be? That's right, that pasty nerd you made fun of. It's funny, you see. The majority of the women you are talking about, despite the blatant lies you've slipped in, and the generalizations which remain moderately untrue, are frankly, idiotic sluts. The fact that you're trying to taunt us with them is inane, because while they sound appealing in text, in reality, we wouldn't want anything to do with the fucking skanks. And furthermore, thank you for fucking every girl in the school (I bet you can bench 2000 pounds too, amirite?)." Honestly, thank you. Why, you may ask? Because, by taking away the easy route, you have brought pain upon us. You have brought us misery, you have forced us to adapt to that misery, and to grow as people. Luxury doesn't incite growth, pain does. So while you're busy sticking it in your AIDS-ridden skanks, we're studying, learning, gaining skills that are necessary for life. You may scoff at this, call us stupid nerds for not getting the pussy while it's hot, but guess what? We're going to get it eventually. You said so yourself, women love power. So, eventually, you're going to find a women you love as much as she primally needs you. You're going to get married, maybe settle down a bit. Wild sex for the first two years, but after a while, she'll get antsy. She'll grow tired of the novelty of the Alpha Male. Your relationship will become the dull forced marriage that is seen constantly in America. You'll likely divorce her and move on, getting a younger wife that'll need you as much as your old wife did when you first married. Seems swell, doesn't it? I can assure you, it isn't. By now, we have risen to power. While you live the life of the swingers, we are the Senators, the Chairmen, we are the rulers of life as you know it. We have transcended your pitiful existence, and control every aspect of your very fate, without you even so much as noticing. By now, we have the money and the power, and as Scarface once said (We know you love him, and have his poster on your bedroom wall,'cause you're cool like that) next we get the women. And guess who it is that loves power, as you said women do? That's right, it's your little skank of a wife! Now, most of us will likely have settled down with a wife, but I'm sure there are plenty that would be glad to take your wife when she dumps your sorry ass to go to the people she knows have the real power. And, as we get older, our fortunes and power will grow. We'll eventually get a few trophy wives, settle down a bit, and live in the lap of luxury. Meanwhile, you, the "Alpha Male" will be left alone. By the time you hit thirty, your primal attraction, your ONLY asset, will begin to fade. Your third wife in ten years will grow tired of your old, pitiful body, and will leave you. Stuck in a dead-end job as one of our pawns, you will grow old and even less appealing. Eventually you will die an old and unloved man, either by taking your own life, drowning yourself in booze, or perhaps merely out of your own misery. So go ahead. Brag about how many women you are ****ing. Call us losers. We may seem to be upset, and you may mock our pain, but I assure you, we know your fate. And we are smiling inside.

 **Takashi Shirogane:** lance…

 **Takashi Shirogane:** stop

 **_Lance McCOOL_ ** **left this chat**

 

 **_Hunky Dory_ ** **added** **_Lance McCOOL_ ** **to this chat**

 

 **Lance McCOOL:** no don’t add me back Shiro’s scaryyyy

 **Takashi Shirogane:** no im not

 **Takashi Shirogane:** do you guys think I’m scary??

 **Hunky Dory:** um

 **Hunky Dory:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** shiro i love you and everything but you’re fucking intimidating sometimes

 **Hunky Dory:** yeah you’re an actual adult

 **Queef Colgate:** shiro is literally 6

 **Lance McCOOL:** what

 **Queef Colgate:** he’s a leap year baby

 **Queef Colgate:** his birthday is feb 29

 **Queef Colgate:** he’s literally fucking six

 **Lance McCOOL:** this is the best news I’ve gotten all week

 **Hunky Dory:** AAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

 **Takashi Shirogane:** well there goes my credibility

 **Takashi Shirogane:** okay back to hanging out, anyone up for it?

 **Allura Altea:** I think I can do something?? What were you thinking?

 **Takashi Shirogane:** I was gonna say lazer tag but if it’s just us maybe we could get some food or something

 **Allura Altea:** I’ve never actually been to lazer tag

 **Takashi Shirogane:** That settles it

 **Takashi Shirogane:** It’s lazer tag

 **Lance McCOOL:** DUDE STOP I WANNA PLAY LAZER TAG

 **Lance McCOOL:** FUCK NO FAIR

 **Queef Colgate:** I feel like you’d be the most energetic player but the worst player

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** no dude you gotta see him in there

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** he’s a fugkin machine

 **Hunky Dory:** he’s like a friggin sniper it’s amazing but also scary

 **Lance McCOOL:** my best friens <3 :,)

 **Queef Colgate:** we’ll have to go head to head sometime

 **Queef Colgate:** I’m freaking great at lazer tag

 **Lance McCOOL:** you can say the fuck word keith we’re all adults here

 **Hunky Dory:** no shiro’s six

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** i am by no means an adult i cannot even do one laundry

 **Lance McCOOL:** also there’s no way you’ll beat me sweaty :))

 **Queef Colgate:** I don’t curse a lot it’s rude

 **Takashi Shirogane:** keith yesterday you literally called me a “cock-sucking fuckass bitchface motherfucker” because I ate all the cereal

 **Queef Colgate:** lucky charms are another fucking story shiro

 **Lance McCOOL:** fuk u keith cap’n crunch

 **Lance McCOOL:** cap’n crunch is like god tier cereal

 **Queef Colgate:** … I actually can’t argue about that one

 **Queef Colgate:** cap’n crunch is the best

 **Pidgeot lvl69:** you guys agreed on something for once?? #wild

 **Hunky Dory:** no way cinnamon toast crunch is where it’s AT

 **Lance McCOOL:** [how-could-this-happen-to-me.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y983TDjoglQ)

 **Takashi Shirogane:** I normally just buy shredded wheat for myself, but we were all out…

 **Lance McCOOL:**  B  L  A  N D

**Allura Altea:** get this cereal discourse out of my house

**Pidgeot lvl69:** cereal of any and all kinds is disGUSTING

**Allura Altea:** I agree pidge

**Pidgeot lvl69:** allura pls adopt me

**Allura Altea:** the little sister I never had  <33

**Pidgeot lvl69:** <3333

**Takashi Shirogane:** should I tell matt he’s been replaced

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yeah you and allura are my parents now

**Takashi Shirogane:** I’ve never met allura

**Allura Altea:** you will

**Allura Altea:** we can discuss custody arrangements

**Takashi Shirogane:** child support too

**Takashi Shirogane:** sounds great

 

**Oct 3 12:44pm**

**Takashi Shirogane → Allura Altea**

 

**Takashi Shirogane:** I get off in about 15 minutes. Want to meet up at 1:30ish? I need to change out of work clothes. 

**Takashi Shirogane:** I’m assuming you’re ok with the lazer tag place near the strip mall on Maple? If we decide not to there’s a really good sandwich place nearby haha 

**Allura Altea:** yeah, that works for me!

**Takashi Shirogane:** sounds awesome! See you then :)

**Allura Altea:** <3 <3

 

**Oct 3 1:37pm**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

 **Takashi Shirogane:** 1 image

**Takashi Shirogane:** pidge good news we’ve agreed on shared custody

**Pidgeot lvl69:** oh thank goodness

**Hunky Dory:** have fun you two crazy kids

**Pidgeot lvl69:** use protection

**Pidgeot lvl69:** i prefer being the youngest

**Takashi Shirogane:** PIDGE

 

**Oct 3 2:55pm**

**Shito Bro-gane → Queef Bro-gane**

 

**Shito Bro-gane:** Might not be home until 4, allura and I are going for ice cream

**Queef Bro-gane:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

**Shito Bro-gane:** not you too

**Queef Bro-gane:** I have no idea what you’re talking about

 

**Oct 3 4:04pm**

**Queef Bro-gane → Shito Bro-gane**

 

**Queef Bro-gane:** almost home?

**Shito Bro-gane:** we’re about to leave

**Queef Bro-gane:** ok. I get off at 5 we can grab dinner

**Shito Bro-gane:** I already ate but I can get you something on the way home?

**Queef Bro-gane:** you and allura sure hit it off didn’t you

**Shito Bro-gane:** what’s that supposed to mean

**Queef Bro-gane:** nothing

**Queef Bro-gane:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Shito Bro-gane:** damnit keith 

**Queef Bro-gane:** get me poke bitch

**Shito Bro-gane:** fine you little shit

 

**Oct 3 4:56pm**

**Queef Bro-gane → Shito Bro-gane**

 

**Shito Bro-gane:** ok I’m in line for the poke place but I also just realized

**Queef Bro-gane:** ?

**Shito Bro-gane:** allura is really pretty 

**Queef Bro-gane:** oh my god

**Shito Bro-gane:** she kicked my butt at laser tag and smells like flowers and she laughed and touched my arm I thought I was going to actually combust

**Shito Bro-gane:** her skin is extremely soft keith

**Shito Bro-gane:** how is she even real

**Queef Bro-gane:** drive safe

**Shito Bro-gane:** fuck you keith

 

**Oct 3 5:21pm**

**Allura Altea → Pidge, My Daughter**

 

**Allura Altea:** hey Pidge so you like

**Allura Altea:** know shiro right

**Pidge, My Daughter:** I mean I guess

**Pidge, My Daughter:** why

**Allura Altea:** no specific reason

**Pidge, My Daughter:** if you want help asking him out just say it

**Allura Altea:** I

**Allura Altea:** what

**Allura Altea:** no

**Pidge, My Daughter:** allura

**Allura Altea:** Pidge

**Pidge, My Daughter:** Allura,,

**Allura Altea:** he’s just really nice ok

**Allura Altea:** and he is Extremely Fit, I’m only one woman Pidge

**Pidge, My Daughter:** yeah ok 

 

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

— _ George Carlin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're on mobile I am SO SORRY you had to scroll through all those copypastas wow my sense of humor sure is... something...  
> (ALSO it just occurred to me to clarify that in this fic, Pidge is 16, Keith/Hunk/Lance are all 19-almost-20, Shiro and Matt are 27/28, and Allura is also 27/28. Just in case anyone wanted to know!)  
> friendly reminder I LOVE NYALL + Come yell w me about voltron on tumblr @glassespidge !!! <3, schwartzys


	6. ch 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team bonds, plans are made, cat pictures and mom memes ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS WE HAVE A CHAPTER UP ON TUESDAY FUCK YES   
> ~miro

 

**Oct 4 12:45pm**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** happy hump day 

**Lance McCOOL:** [ 1 image ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/36/8c/e9/368ce9a69066b064ae5483c27843a4d1.jpg)

**Hunky Dory:** why are you like this 

**Lance McCOOL:** [ 1 image ](http://quotespics.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/251071-wednesday-hump-day-quotes-jpg-XM4zSO-quote.jpg)

**Takashi Shirogane:** [ 1 image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/6d/39/4f/6d394f03619b77ca0c12ee79b891aef3.jpg)

 

**Pidgeot lvl69** _ has left the chat _

**Takashi Shirogane** _ added  _ **Pidgeot lvl69** _ to the chat _

 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** im going to throw myself off the clock tower

**Queef Colgate:** [ 1 gif](https://media.tenor.co/images/74f351cbbd20e282c12bcb0f531d5ba9/tenor.gif)

**Hunky Dory:** no suicide in my lobby

**Queef Colgate:** sorry hunk

**Pidgeot lvl69:** sorry hunk

**Lance McCOOL:** [ 1 image](http://68.media.tumblr.com/cc14188976953f07af9cbe1a5bac2c54/tumblr_n1sq9miKiP1qevv11o1_500.png)

**Hunky Dory:** [ 1 image](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C5l7w7mWMAI4RcO.jpg)

**Queef Colgate:** [ 1 image ](http://i.imgur.com/YDwO6uh.jpg)

**Pidgeot lvl69:** [ 1 image](http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/426/443/cdd.jpg)

**Takashi Shirogane:** Don’t you guys go to school

**Queef Colgate:** night school

**Queef Colgate:** I’m @ work

**Lance  McCOOL:**[ 1 image](https://img.ifcdn.com/images/23207ad5bb16c116ca19b06cd247131268e94c2473045a1a9088b48d2f967691_1.jpg)

**Lance McCOOL:** who needs an education when you have memes

**Lance McCOOL:** [ 1 image](https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/t/education-concept-d-rendering-white-background-76756361.jpg)

**Queef Colgate:** lance pay attention in class

**Lance McCOOL:** keith pay attention in work

**Queef Colgate:** no fuck u

**Lance McCOOL:** wow savage

**Takashi Shirogane:** Lance, you’re taking what I assume are the same classes keith is, in which case you need to pay better attention

**Hunky Dory:** false he has different classes than keith 

**Takashi Shirogane:** ?

**Hunky Dory:** lance I know for a FACT you’re in ur in Astro 7A right McFucking Now and you can’t keep getting those notes from others my guy

**Lance McCOOL:** no but it’s that one guy

**Hunky Dory:** ?

**Lance McCOOL:** gold septum 

**Hunky Dory:** ???

**Lance McCOOL:** the one that likes me my dude

**Hunky Dory:** o shit no you’re set

**Queef Colgate:** don’t rely on others’ notes to get you through lance

**Lance McCOOL:** thanks MOM

**Queef Colgate:** shut up

**Hunky Dory:** wait lance is it the same gold septum you made out w last new years

**Lance McCOOL:** nah man different gold septum

**Lance McCOOL:** oh shit hunk do I have a type

**Hunky Dory:** your type is like, piercings and lowkey mean

**Lance McCOOL:** why you gotta call me out like this i thought we were friends hunk :((((

**Hunky Dory:** call em as I see em

**Lance McCOOL:** brutal

**Lance McCOOL:** yet beautiful

**Hunky Dory:** ;)

**Lance McCOOL:** :*

 

**Oct 4 2:36pm**

**Queef Bro-gane → Shito Bro-gane**

 

**Queef Bro-gane:** random question

**Queef Bro-gane:** would I look good w a piercing

**Shito Bro-gane:** oh my GOD,,

**Queef Bro-gane:** it’s just a question…

**Shito Bro-gane:** As your older brother and guardian i’m not supposed to condone this behavior but,

**Shito Bro-gane:** You would look great ;-)

**Queef Bro-gane:** you have to say that,, you’re my brother

 

**Oct 4 2:44pm**

**Groupchat:** **~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** it’s that time of day again

**Pidgeot lvl69:** that time of day when we

**Pidgeot lvl69:** CALL

**Pidgeot lvl69:** KEITH 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** OUT!

**Lance McCOOL:** I’m here and I’m ready 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** @keef matt JUST went to the autobody shop to get his taillights fixed and you weren’t there???

**Pidgeot lvl69:** [ suspicious.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRWbIoIR04c)

**Lance McCOOL:** DRAG HIM PIDGE

**Takashi Shirogane:** ?? Keith why aren’t you at work?

**Takashi Shirogane:** Are you ok?

**Queef Colgate:** I’m fine shiro

**Queef Colgate:** I’m at Work

**Takashi SHirogane:** OH ok Work

**Lance McCOOL:** explain??? Binch?

**Lance McCOOL:** what is Work ?????????

**Pidgeot lvl69:** where are you

**Queef Colgate:** pidge I’m at the Work on Studebaker near the douche high school

**Pidgeot lvl69:** oh shit waddup yeah 

**Pidegot lvl69:** ok keith’s @ Work

**Lance McCOOL:** I’M SO CONFUSED WGAT

**Pidgeot lvl69:** shhhhhh don’t worry bout it

**Lance McCOOL:** keith are you a stripper

**Lance McCOOL:** according to apple maps the only stuff on studebaker across from a HS is office space, a gym and a paint n glaze

**Lance McCOOL:** are you a private stripper

**Lance McCOOL:** I won’t intrude any more keith get that good dolla

**Queef Colgate:** I’m not a stripper lance what the hell

**Lance McCOOL:** why else would you be so cryptic about a second career

**Lance McCOOL:** no judgement

**Queef Colgate:** jfc

  
  


**Oct 5 11:57pm**

**Groupchat:** **~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Allura Altea:** Two things

**Allura Altea:** First order of business

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/46/af/93/46af93808b98638affae8384e10690ae.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image ](http://data.whicdn.com/images/122941751/original.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://www.pets4homes.co.uk/images/classifieds/2013/09/18/425964/large/11-week-old-female-tortoiseshell-kitten-5239dd16c72b4.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** [ 1 image](https://www.pets4homes.co.uk/images/classifieds/2013/09/14/421915/large/black-and-white-kittens-for-sale-skegness-526f391408b4c.jpg)

**Allura Altea:** Uncle Coran told me to send cat pics

**Allura Altea:** Second order of business

**Allura Altea:** Would anyone like to hang out on Friday?

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yell heah

**Pidgeot lvl69:** to the cats and the hanging out 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** like afternoon or

**Allura Altea:** If you’re free we can do brunch

**Pidgeot lvl69:** fuck yes let’s brunch

**Hunky Dory** : THE CATS ASGHAJHNHSJA

**Hunky Dory:** GIVE THEM ALL THE KISSES FOR ME

**Hunky Dory:** also can I be included in brunch I lov brunch

**Allura Altea:** Of coure!

**Lance McCOOL:** coure

**Pidgeot lvl69:** coure

**Allura Altea:** *course

**Lance McCOOL:** of coure :))

**Takashi Shirogane:** No don’t roast Allura she’s 

**Takashi Shirogane:** a princess

**Pidgeot lvl69:** lmao princess of WHAT

**Takashi Shirogane:** Um

**Takashi Shirogane:** Cats

**Lance McCOOL:** she has her own little CATstle 

 

**Queef Colgate** _ left the chat _

**Lance McCOOL** _added_ **Queef Colgate** _to the chat_

 

**Queef Colgate:** lance, so help me god,,

**Hunky Dory:** yeah lance

**Hunky Dory:** stop it right meow

**Queef Colgate:** goddamnit

**Pidgeot lvl69:** wait, guys, let’s all paws to think about what we’re doing

**Hunky Dory:** hey lance?

**Lance McCOOL:** yes, Hunk?

**Hunky Dory:** what are you eating?

**Lance McCOOL:** oh, you mean this

**Lance McCOOL:** bananya?

**Hunky Dory:** :3c

**Queef** **Colgate:** every day we stray further from god’s light

 

**Oct 6 2:05pm**

**Groupchat:** **~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Allura Altea:** Okay, wait, who wanted to get together today

**Hunky Dory:** me!!

**Pidgeot lvl69:** me

**Pidgeot lvl69:** too late for brunch but oh well

**Lance McCOOL:** could we p please with sprinkles on top do tomorrow I have to work D:

**Queef Colgate:** yeah me too

**Allura Altea:** I can’t tomorrow :-(

**Hunky Dory:** I’ll do something with you two tomorrow I don’t have a whole lot going on this weekend

**Lance McCOOL:** yisssss  <333

**Hunky Dory:** <33333

**Queef Colgate:** oh I wouldn’t want to intrude on you two

**Hunky Dory:** no come with us

**Hunky Dory:** It’ll be fun

**Allura Altea:** So what about today/tonight?

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yeet motherfuckers

**Allura Altea:** There is a really cute restaurant I’d love to go to in town if you two are fine with that

**Hunky Dory:** if it’s the new dim sum place

**Hunky Dory:** hell

**Hunky Dory:** yes

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hunk could you pick me up

**Hunky Dory:** yeah I gotchu

**Allura Altea:** Also, I have a family friend who might come with me

**Allura Altea:** Her name is Shay she is very sweet

**Lance McCOOL:** scuzi hunk is the sweetest person alive

**Allura Altea:** Sorry, but Shay is definitely the Purest

**Allura Altea:** No offense Hunk, I mean I’ve never met you, but my love for Shay could move mountains

**Hunky Dory:** none taken!! I’m sure she’s lovely

**Hunky Dory:** looking forward to meeting her, any friend of allura’s must be wonderful!

**Lance McCOOL:** see? SWEET

**Lance McCOOL:** hunk gives me CAVITIES on the daily god i love you so much,, fuck,

**Hunky Dory:** bro

**Lance McCOOL:** b r o

**Hunky Dory:** <333 b r o

**Lance McCOOL:** :’’))) oohhmy godd, b ro,,,  <33333

**Pidgeot lvl69:** you two are ridiculous

**Pidgeot lvl69:** anyway

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hunk what time will you pick me up

**Hunky Dory:** probably 5-5:30? 

**Hunky Dory:** depending on when allura wants to meet up?

**Allura Altea:** 6:00 works for me if it works for you!

**Hunky Dory:** yupp!!

**Pidgeot lvl69:** yui

**Lance McCOOL:** “”yui””

**Pidgeot lvl69:** lance you can actually fuck off to hell

**Allura Altea:** Excellent!! I’ll put in a reservation for tonight at 6 :-D

**Lance McCOOL:** I don’t need a reservation for hell, I’ve had one since I was born B))

**Pidgeot lvl69:** stop.

**Lance McCOOL:** uuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Lance McCOOL:** why is life so unfair I wanna eat dim sum with allura’s cool friend :((((((

**Pidgeot lvl69:** sucks to suck

**Lance McCOOL:** not always it doesn’t ;))

**Pidgeot lvl69:** LANCE STOP

**Hunky Dory:** where’s shiro we need adult supervision

**Queef Colgate:** he’s at work.

**Lance McCOOL:** ANYway

**Lance McCOOL:** are we gonna do a Fun Thingy tomorrow

**Hunky Dory:** yeah if you want

**Queef Colgate:** I mean sure

**Lance McCOOL:** movies?? :0

**Queef Colgate:** fine by me

**Queef Colgate:** as long as we don’t go see like. Boss baby or w/e

**Lance McCOOL:** keith have a little faith in me

**Lance McCOOL:** two words

**Lance McCOOL:** power

**Lance McCOOL:** fucking

**Lance McCOOL:** rangers

**Queef Colgate:** that’s three words

**Hunky Dory:** HELL YEAH BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi

**Queef Colgate:** but yeah I rlly wanna see power rangers it looks so fuckin rad

**Pidgeot lvl69:** wait no fair I wanna see power rangers!!

**Pidgeot lvl69:** the yellow ranger’s a lesbian I Have To 

**Lance McCOOL:** power rangers is literally my childhood

**Lance McCOOL:** all of my young photos have me with the blue ranger shirt on

**Lance McCOOL:** or the pink ranger bc i stole my sisters when mine was dirty

**Hunky Dory:** YES

**Hunky Dory:** the nostalgia omg

**Hunky Dory:** ok. tomorrow. 4:45. At the cool ass dine-in theater. Be there.

**Queef Colgate:** heck yes

**Lance McCOOL:** AW FUCK YEAH

**Lance McCOOL:** okok i g2g 

**Lance McCOOL:** i hav ework :(

**Hunky Dory:** you do?

**Lance McCOOL:** yeah? I’m @ the daycare dude

**Hunky Dory:** oh lol

**Hunky Dory:** that’s not work lance 

**Lance McCOOL:** shut uP hunk just because I’m not paid doesn’t mean it’s not work

**Hunky Dory:** that’s exactly what it means

**Queef Colgate:** ???

**Hunky Dory:** Lance does volunteer work at that daycare place close to campus

**Hunky Dory:** because children love him and he loves children

**Hunky Dory:** he’s like maria from the sound of music

**Queef Colgate:** oh. That’s really cool lance 

**Lance McCOOL:** it’s fun + feeds my Constant Need for attention so  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Lance McCOOL:** ok I’d better put my phone away before the Gremlins steal it ly guys  <333333

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ “I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.”   
― Neil Gaiman _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its a bit short, we are busy people :,)))))))) also power rangers kinda sucked but im also in love??? its life changing???? Long story short if you wanna have a good time @ the movies get julia (schwartzys) on a sugar high  
> ~Miro


	7. ch 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GO GO POWER RANGERS !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so late FGUCK sorry,, writing is hard.  
> ~Both of us fuckers (mostly julia) (miro does editing + power rangers references) ((i am lance))

**Oct 6 2:22pm**

**Lancening McQueen → Hunky Dory**

 

**Lancening McQueen:** CRISIS TIME

**Lancening McQueen:** SOS

**Lancening McQueen:** HUNK I NEED HELP

**Hunky Dory:** ?? WHAT HAPPENED

**Lancening McQueen:** okok so you know how today we were taking the kids to that really nice dance studio that offered to give some free group lessons

**Hunky Dory:** yes

**Hunky Dory** : did someone get hurt???

**Hunky Dory:** did YOU get hurt????

**Hunky Dory:** lance im panickinf what happened

**Lancening McQueen:** NO No we’re all ok sorry

**Lancening McQueen:** we just walked in and

**Lancening McQueen:** guess who apparently works here

**Lancening McQueen:** fucking KEITH

**Hunky Dory:** like he’s the… receptionist?

**Lancening McQueen:** no he TEACHES CLASSES HUIWNDWEQFG9Q

**Hunky Dory:** but haven’t you and keith been getting along now??

**Lancening McQueen:** that’s when we’re texting or when I’m annoying him whilst studying not when he’s wearing honest to god m e g g i n g s

**Hunky Dory:** what the fresh fuck are meggings

**Lancening McQueen:** [ 1 image](http://cdn2.bigcommerce.com/server1700/a2d18/products/152/images/610/EC-Emilio-Cavallini-Grid-Megging-Footless-Tights-for-Men-stock__66961.1479568860.190.285.png?c=2)

**Lancening McQueen:** yknow male leggings 

**Hunky Dory:** i’ve seen hell. 

**Lancening McQueen:** HUNK

**Hunky Dory:** try to control your raging hate-boner in front of the younglings lance

**Lancening McQueen:** hunk this is serious I’m freaking out

**Hunky Dory:** this isn’t hunk 

**Hunky Dory:** he gave me the phone as soon as you mentioned meggings 

**Lancening McQueen:** ...pidge?

**Hunky Dory:** mmhmm

**Lancening McQueen:** wait why are you w hunk

**Hunky Dory:** we’re having a celebration of the fact that our applied calc teacher gave no hw  & pregaming for dim sum 

**Lancening McQueen:** in that case

**Lancening McQueen:** WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO PIDGE

**Hunky Dory:** nuh uh not getting dragged into this 

**Hunky Dory:** this is some fanfiction-level bullshit you’re sorting this out on your own

**Hunky Dory:** pidgeot OUT binch

**Hunky Dory:** LANCE IT’S ME AGAIN

**Hunky Dory:** sorry the meggings were a little much 

**Lancening McQueen:** it’s ok

**Hunky Dory:** just don’t say anything stupid and defensive to keith and you should be fine

**Hunky Dory:** remember you’re at WORK

**Hunky Dory** : and so is he!!

**Lancening McQueen:** ok ok    
**Lancening McQueen:** I can do this 

**Hunky Dory:** yes you can!!!  <33

 

Lance swallowed hard and looked up from where he was standing in the back of the room. He had positioned himself ever-so-slightly between a column and a wall. He was absolutely not hiding from Keith, because that would be ridiculous, and Lance was many things, but he was not the kind of person who would hide from a friend (even if he had a minor--MINOR--attraction toward said friend). Speaking of keith, he was currently herding the group of second-to-fifth graders Lance was supposed to be in charge of. Right. The kidlings seemed to be asking various questions about why his hair was so long and why he didn’t have shoes on and what kind of dancing they’d be doing-- which, Lance had to admit, Keith was fielding pretty well. Keith still hadn’t noticed Lance, in his bright blue polo shirt uniform, awkwardly not-hiding in the back. Another dance instructor entered the room and clapped her hands twice, grabbing the attention of the kids. 

“Alright everyone! We’re glad to have you all here today!” She smiled brightly. “First things first, we’re gonna have you all come grab a nametag so Mr. Keith and I know who you are. I’m Miss Plaxum, but you can call me Miss P if you want.” The kids stampeded toward Miss Plaxum, prepubescent footsteps echoing loudly on the wood studio floor, and immediately began asking her if her hair was dyed blue or if it grew that way. 

Keith, freed of his entourage, walked over to Lance, and Lance tried not to freeze up. 

“Hey, so unless you really want to watch, you can probably come back for the kids at the end of the class-- Lance?” Keith’s face tightened in surprise. Lance couldn’t tell if he flushed a little bit, or if he was seeing things. 

“So, is this your secret occupation, keith my man?” he asked, smiling albeit nervously. 

“What? Oh, um. Yeah. I, ah, assistant teach a couple classes on the side.”

“That’s cool, really cool. Funny coincidence, amiright?” He laughed. Keith smiled back at him.

“Yeah, wild.” Lance grinned. 

“Small world.”

“Small college town, more like.” Keith laughed. “So, hey, the class should only be about an hour? You can pick them up after.”   
“Yeah, awesome, I’ll let the bus driver know, too.”   
“Cool.”

“Cool.”

Lance shoved his hands in his (nasty khaki uniform) pockets. “So, I’ll, um. See you in an hour.”

“Sounds good.” Keith smiled again, small and soft. Lance needed to Go.

“Bye!” Lance exited very dignifiedly and no matter what any of his kids said did NOT stumble on the doorjamb. It was unfairly low for a doorjamb, anyway. 

 

**Oct 6 2:33pm**

**Hunky Dory→ Lancening McQueen**

 

**Hunky Dory:** updates?

**Lancening McQueen:** im going to throw myself in front of the daycare bus

**Hunky Dory:** okay then

 

**Oct 6 3:38pm**

**Lancening McQueen → Hunky Dory**

 

**Lancening McQueen:** WHOO

**Lancening McQueen:** good news

**Hunky Dory:** tell

**Lancening McQueen:** I don’t think I have that bad of a crush on keith 

**Lancening McQueen:** like I think I’m getting over it

**Hunky Dory:** rlly??

**Lancening McQueen:** yeah!!

**Lancening McQueen:** when I went to pick up the kids from the dance class he was really nice and all and like. Stupidly hot (ofc) but

**Lancening McQueen:** I’m pretty sure it’s a crush based in lust ya feel

**Hunky Dory:** ah i see

**Lancening McQueen:** and now that means we can be friends w/o me being weird about it!! 

**Hunky Dory:** well I’m glad you’re glad :DD

 

**Oct 6 3:44pm**

**Queef Colgate → Lance McCOOL**

 

**Queef Colgate:** Hey Lance. My boss (Plaxum, you probably saw her today) wanted to know if any of the kids had any food allergies? She’s bringing in snacks next friday.

**Lance McCOOL:** omg that’s so nice of her one sec I have files literally right next to me

**Lance McCOOL:** umm ok Anya and Rickie J. are allergic to peanuts, and Jo is gluten-free

**Lance McCOOL:** and Carson won’t eat most things that are red but that’s not an allergy thing it’s a Carson thing

**Queef Colgate:** awesome thanks!

  
  


**Oct 6 5:59pm**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** allura we’re on our way im so sorru

**Allura Altea:** Don’t worry about it!! We only just got here!

**Pidgeot lvl69:** <33

**Pidgeot lvl69:** this traffic is SHIT we haven’t moved in 4 minutes fucc

**Lance McCOOL:** eat some good food for me allura :(((

**Allura Altea:** I will  <3 <3

**Lance McCOOL:** <3333333

**Pidgeot lvl69:** lance hunk says that he’ll bring you some leftovers

**Lance McCOOL:** HUNK IM DYSUD ILUSM FUCK

**Pidgeot lvl69:** hunk says he loves you too

**Lance McCOOL:** blest

**Queef Colgate:** lance aren’t you supposed to be in charge of children rn

**Lance McCOOL:** they’re eating snacks peacefully

**Lance McCOOL:** aren’t u supposed to be

**Lance McCOOL:** doing whatever it is that your mystery job entails

**Queef Colgate:** lance you know I teach dance classes now

**Queef Colgate:** and no, I happen to be on water break. 

**Lance McCOOL:** the rumor come out

**Pidgeot lvl69:** keith?? Sharing things about himself???

**Pidgeot lvl69:** what is this, New Year’s 2012?

**Queef Colgate:** NOT FUNNY

**Lance McCOOL:** no lol I found him out his studio is giving the daycare kids free lessons

**Lance McCOOL:** wait what happened on new years 2012

**Queef Colgate:** nothing of consequence

**Lance McCOOL:** motherfucker,, was that a princess bride reference

**Pidgeot lvl69:** keith drank two 5hr energies and ascended to a new plane of enlightenment, among other things. 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** also told everyone who would listen his sad orphan backstory

**Lance McCOOL:** I need more information abt this Immediately

**Pidgeot lvl69:** would you look at that we’re at the restaurant

**Pidgeot lvl69:** goodbye everyone

**Pidgeot lvl69:** don’t say I never did anything for you keith 

**Queef Colgate:** thanks

**Queef Colgate:** also, yes it was a princess bride reference, lance.

**Lance McCOOL:** oh my g o d

**Lance McCOOL:** iconic

**Queef Colgate:** … thanks?

 

**Oct 6 6:27pm**

**Hunky Dory → Lancening McQueen**

 

**Hunky Dory:** lance, buddy, friend, my dude

**Hunky Dory:** my most trusted companion,,

**Hunky Dory:** You have confided in me countless times in your hour of need

**Lancening McQueen:** wassup hunk my man what u need

**Hunky Dory:** so as it turns out Allura’s friend? Shay?? Is the same person as that frigking gorgeous girl that always passes me in the courtyard on tuesdays???

**Hunky Dory:** I thought our paths would never cross

**Hunky Dory:** but,,,, she’s here,,,, oh my god

**Hunky Dory:** and WHOOP DE DOO SHE’S REALLY NICE IN ADDITION TO BEING. GORGEOUS 

**Hunky Dory:** help me

**Lancening McQueen:** okok it’s ok

**Hunky Dory:** hsjdfhsdjg help

**Lancening McQueen:** HUNK listen to me

**Lancening McQueen:** you. Are a wonderful and beautiful human being

**Lancening McQueen:** breathe!!

**Lancening McQueen:** are you breathing?

**Hunky Dory:** yes I am

**Lancening McQueen:** good!

**Lancening McQueen:** You are my best friend in the world! Every day I am amazed by how kind and generous you are!

**Lancening McQueen:** You are so smart! You’re a FANTASTIC engineer and one day you’re probably going to be working at nasa and be a bigwig there and put a man on mars or farther and I’m going to live on your couch and mooch off your kindness

**Lancening McQueen:** I!! love!! you!!

**Hunky Dory:** ilu more

**Lancening McQueen:** what do you need?

**Hunky Dory:** I think I just need to. Keep breathing for like a minute

**Lancening McQueen:** ok!

**Lancening McQueen** : you’ll be ok!! You can do it!! I love you!!

**Hunky Dory:** I love you too!!!

 

**Oct 6 6:36pm**

**Lance McCOOL → Queen Allura <3**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** my best friend likes your best friend

**Queen Allura <3: ** I can tell!

**Queen Allura <3:** I believe my best friend also likes your best friend, although she hasn’t said anything.

**Queen Allura <3:** Shay said something about the two of them passing each other in the courtyard weekly? That’s how they know each other apparently.

**Lance McCOOL:** know is a bit of an overstatement but yeah 

**Lance McCOOL:** shit man I don’t want to meddle but

**Lance McCOOL:** hunk really seems to like this girl

**Queen Allura <3:** I agree.

**Queen Allura <3:** I’ll text you more about this later, after I’ve gotten the details from Shay. 

**Lance McCOOL:** cool cool cool

**Lance McCOOL:** shay better be a goddamn ray of sunshine 

**Queen Allura <3: ** she really is

  
  


**Oct 6 8:47pm**

**Hunky Dory → Lance McCOOL**

 

**Hunky Dory:** omw home, dropping pidge off now

**Hunky Dory:** thanks for helpin me out earlier tonight <33

**Lance McCOOL:** see you soon!

**Lance McCOOL:** anytime my dude  <3333

 

**Oct 7 9:03am**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** good morning everyone

**Lance McCOOL:** the sun is shining

**Lance McCOOL:** the tank is clean

**Hunky Dory:** [ 1 image ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CgAcK6QUsAADhg4.jpg)

**Pidgeot lvl69:** asjksadhkdjfhkjdfh

**Pidgeot lvl69:** what’s got you in such a good mood

**Lance McCOOL:** idk it’s been a long week .

**Pidgeot lvl69:** don’t you mean it’s about to be a long week

**Lance McCOOL:** lmao tru

**Hunky Dory:** yeah rip me

**Queef Colgate:** what do you mean Pidge?

**Pidgeot lvl69:** ? dude midterms start monday 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** haven’t your teachers told you at all

**Lance McCOOL:** yeah I’ve been studying all week

**Hunky Dory:** ^^

**Queef Colgate:** ah fuck

**Queef Colgate:** I can’t believe I’ve done this

**Pidgeot lvl69:** KEITH NO 

**Hunky Dory:** oh dear

**Lance McCOOL:** it’s ok most of our classes don’t have a midterm dude

**Lance McCOOL:** I think just Physics n Meteorology have actual exams

**Lance McCOOL:** and our HOA teacher is really chill she literally promised that the “”midterm”” is going to be 3 questions long lol

**Queef Colgate:** thanks

**Queef Colgate:** I’m not too concerned though I’m a good test taker

**Lance McCOOL:** are you gonna cram tonight

**Queef Colgate:** maybe idk

**Lance McCOOL:** ok well if you need help

**Lance McCOOL:** you know where to find me

**Queef Colgate:** I should be good

**Lance McCOOL:** are you still gonna come see power rangers this afternoon

**Queef Colgate:** hell yes

**Queef Colgate:** what time

**Hunky Dory:** idk what time works for you guys??

**Pidgeot lvl69:** literally you guys are great but stop blowing up my phone I can’t concentrate

**Queef Colgate:** mute the chat loser

**Hunky Dory:** what are you working on :0

**Pidgeot lvl69:** procrastinating studying for midterms by hacking Matt’s online gaming server

**Pidgeot lvl69:** shut up keith 

 

**_New Groupchat:_ ** **Lance McCOOL, Hunky Dory, Queef Colgate**

**_Lance McCOOL named the groupchat_ ** **“ITS MORPHIN TIME”**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** what time

**Hunky Dory:** It’s playing at the cineplex at 2:15 and 3:45

**Queef Colgate:** could we do 2:15?

**Lance McCOOL:** works for me

**Hunky Dory:** yep!!

**Queef Colgate:** awesome. See you guys then

**Hunky Dory:** see you!!!

 

**Oct 7 1:54pm**

**Groupchat: ITS MORPHIN TIME**

 

**Queef Colgate:** I’m here

**Queef Colgate:** ETA?

**Lance McCOOL:** we’re rlly close go in and grab good seats 

**Queef Colgate:** ok will do 

 

**Oct 7 4:33pm**

**Groupchat: ~1tS sPo0pY t1m3~**

 

**Lance McCOOL:** y’all may I just say

**Lance McCOOL:** I am shooketh

**Hunky Dory:** same

**Queef Colgate:** me fuckin too

**Pidgeot lvl69:** ?? 

**Lance McCOOL:** power rangers CHANGED MY LIFE

**Lance McCOOL:** o h my god

**Lance McCOOL:** I mean in terms of professional movie making it was okay but im a slut for power rangers 

**Queef Colgate:** IT WAS REALLY GOOD

**Hunky Dory:** YEET 

**Pidgeot lvl69:** NO SPOILERS 

**Hunky Dory:** WE WONT IT WAS JUST SO GOOD

**Lance McCOOL:** keith are u still gonna meet us at the restaurant

**Queef Colgate:** yeah

 

**Oct 7 6:07pm**

**Groupchat: ITS MORPHIN TIME**

**Lance McCOOL** **_changed the groupchat name from “_ ** **ITS MORPHIN TIME”** **_to “_ ** **i would die for billy cranston”**

 

**Queef Colgate:** ok agree

**Hunky Dory:** rt rt rt

 

_ I'm not one of those complicated, mixed-up cats. I'm not looking for the secret to life... I just go on from day to day, taking what comes.  _

_ ~Frank Sinatra  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( some universities in the UC system have October midterms so I put it in for plot reasons ssjdhdhs ))  
> HAVE I EVER TOLD ALL OF YOU THAT I love you so much .  
> scream w me on tungle.hell @glassespidge or @roseranger xoxo julia 
> 
> Hey ya'll im mcfuckening dying and I'm sorru we're late im dead.  
> Hope you guys enjoyed this, scream with me too @yourrosebudboy @loverboilance   
> ~Miro (i have other fandom blogs too but I'm Lazy)

**Author's Note:**

> (( keith's situation is: he got expelled for disciplinary issues and ended up completing high school through online courses. Hecompleted his freshmn year of college that way too, but then decided he wanted to go on campus. Hence. ))  
> as always, comments make me cry happy happy tears.  
> also if anyone knows how to add images hmu I'm trying to make this fic fancy but I'm not w the newfangled gadgetry  
> (also if you're an early reader, the chapter cuts off and idk why it's not working???)


End file.
